Blissfully Unaware

Blissfully unaware.

That describes my elderly father-in-law with Alzheimer's perfectly. After my mother-in-law sent him at 7:30am to get her a sausage biscuit from Hardee's, he showed back up 8 hours later with the sausage biscuit in a sort of "Ta-Dah" moment.

He had no recollection of where he had been and was blissfully unaware that he had the whole family driving the city looking for him, the Police Department searching and a sausage biscuit spoiling on the seat beside him.

I believe we have finally convinced my mother-in-law that he does not need to be driving under any circumstances. Unbeknown to us, this is the 5th time this has happened in just this week. He generally found his way home in around 2 hours previously. This time it finally got serious in her mind. She did not want to tell the Police that he had Alzheimer's because she knew this might lead to them forcing him to relinquish his driver's license. I had said before that I believed she did not want it to come to this because it forced her to accept that she could no longer depend on him and would feel isolated by her age.

Ever since she made the decision to suspend plans of moving in with us permanently there has been increasing issues. In addition to his disappearances, she has had to be hospitalized on 4 occasions in the past month. We have yet to understand the nature of these hospitalizations because she will not share information with us. Whether or not this is because there is nothing wrong or because there is something wrong and she doesn't want us to "worry", we don't know. We only know that sooner or later they will have to accept that no matter how much they want their independence, their hands are being forced to make the choice of depending on someone else. While I understand that this is a incredibly hard issue for them to face, it IS something that they need to face before something more serious happens.

I am thankful that he was safe and in a way I am thankful that he was blissfully unaware. I believe that although Alzheimer's is a crippling and depressing disease for everyone involved, the actual person with Alzheimer's is most of the time blissfully unaware.

What are your feelings about people with Alzheimer's being "blissfully unaware"?

Missing Dad - Dealing With Alzheimer's

Nervously pacing the floor.
Watching the clock and adding up the hours, minutes and seconds.
Calling family members to aid in a search.
Wondering when do we ask the police to search.
Driving the streets, looking in parking lots.
Fearing the worse.
Praying for the best.

Sounds like the typical scene for when a child runs away, right?

What do you do when it is not your child, but your elderly parent with Alzheimers?

You do the same things, but now it is taken to a whole new playing field. Unlike with a child roaming the streets; the elderly parent sometimes still has a driver's license and no one notices an elderly person unless they are streaking naked and babbling incoherently.

Last night, my mother-in-law sent my father-in-law to pick up some chicken for dinner at a store that is only about 10 miles away that he has driven to countless times. After about 2 hours, she called me to let me know that he hadn't returned. (I have strong feeling concerning how long it took her to call me, but that's not really important) My husband immediately took off to go look for his dad, even making the comment "Well, when I ran away from home or was late; he looked for me."

He drove the streets near his parents house and finally found father in law's car still sitting in the driveway (at this point their house has sold and they are there supervising the packing and moving. Of course, if you can't supervise yourself, then maybe...um yeah.) He finally found out that his father had indeed left to go get the chicken, but then became confused as to where he was, drove around for several hours and finally found home.

My mother in law tried to cover for the "forgetfulness" by saying he had thought the chicken place was on another main street, so it was no big deal. I am not sure, but I feel as though her not acknowledging him having Alzheimer's is a way of not accepting her own demons she is facing in her later years. He could remember that he was lost, but still seemed a little "disoriented about where this chicken place actually was located. You might think this is no big deal; as people forget locations all the time, but we are talking about a small town that they have lived in for over thirty years. When she tried to prove his memory was still good by asking him the locations of other places, he passed with flying colors. She seemed to think that this proved it was an honest mistake and not his Alzheimer's getting worse to the point he needs to have his license taken away. Having done some research into Alzheimer's, I understand that his ability to recall these places is typical. It is accessing his long term memory which will remain intact for years while still having Alzheimer's. It is the short term memory that he was relying on to drive to the location. He was in "the moment" and that is when the brain has a "short circuit glitch" He had been doing fairly well on his medication and seemed to be improving, but Alzheimer's is a progressive disease and each stage is a little more severe, yet stays subtle in its change until it is too late.

I think there comes a point when even the spouse of the one with Alzheimer's tries to dismiss it. I feel it is because when they get to the point of having to acknowledge it as becoming more severe, they have to look at their own years that they have left. They want everything to be normal and continue to live like independent adults. No longer can the spouse even be trusted, as they will ask the one with Alzheimer's to do things that they are no longer capable of; putting themselves and others in danger. Unlike someone with a physical disability, the one with Alzheimer's can't regulate their own behavior of what they are no longer capable of.

If you have or are currently around someone with Alzheimer's, what were some of the behaviors that started when you realized that they were now becoming a danger to themselves and others?

(By the way, The Head Crayon's vlog is still waiting to be done. He got called in to work Saturday and Sunday, but promises to get it done as soon as he has had some sleep.)

Taking Care Of Elderly Parents - Life With The Grays

As the cost of living and health care costs continue to rise, there are a growing number of the elderly finding themselves facing giving up their independence and becoming dependent on either government assisted living or living with younger family member.

Which bring us to adding a couple of Grays to our coloring box. While I don't pretend to know all the secrets of making it work or know all the answers; I know what it feels like for us.

It's tough no matter how you try to slice it. Tough for both parties.

While I am constantly told that I don't truly no how it feels, I hear The Grays talk about a lack of independence, feeling like a burden and a consuming feel of uncertainty. Uncertain about their own place in life and what that life is going to look like in 1 year, 5 years, etc. One thing they know for certain is that life, from this point on, is not going to get any better. The years have robbed them of even being an adult anymore. Once more, as a child, they must submit their freedoms to someone else. They have to be driven to where they want to go, have help with any financial, medical or personal decisions and become totally dependent on the whims of someone else. They have to hope that the person has their best interest at heart and surrender everything that they knew. They have to worry about when they become totally helpless...is anyone going to really care for them? Will they make sure they are fed? Have their medicines? Have access to medical treatments that are necessary? Are their finances going to be safe? Will someone bathe them?

As the caretaker, its just as hard. From my own experience, it is though we have added two more children to my family. While they are not at the point of total helplessness yet, I know that one day we will be there. When making the choice to become a caretaker, it is not something you jump into. While you want more than anything to be able to provide for your parents, as they provided for you; sometimes it can break a family. All parties have to be on board for the venture and everyone must know what is going to be expected of them. This includes not only the elderly parents and their child, but the spouse, children and other family members.

Since I am a stay at home mom with my own children, the bulk of the daily care falls on me. This not only includes the making of meals, shuttling to the doctor, etc. but also the daily, sometimes hourly, assurances that The Grays are wanted and are not a burden. Thankfully, The Head Crayon is the financial guru of our family and helps them deal with all of those pesky matters. The stress falls on him as well. He has to think far into the future about the cost of them living with us, medical expenses that in the future may not be covered under their insurance, etc.

Let me be real honest with you, when I imagined my life as The Crayon Wrangler, this is not what I had envisioned, but it is something that I signed up for. When we shared our wedding vows, we shared our families and our obligations. What I am doing for his parents, he would do for mine and any other family members that might need our help. It is the obligation of family. On days when I am not frustrated, I would tell you the honest truth that it is indeed a privilege to have The Grays depend on us. To know that they feel safe counting on us, speaks volumes of their love for us and their trust in us.

One of the biggest things that we are struggling with right now is boundaries and understanding. As we are moving from partial care to full time care, we are all learning what is "fair" to expect out of each other. It's a lesson in trial and error. We have a good days and we have our bad, but one thing we have decided is we will make it work. We will honor that trust that they put in us and show through our actions our love we have for them.

Do you have a elderly parent living with you? Are you dealing with Alzheimer's in a loved one? Is this something that your family is about to face? I would love to hear from you!