Handling Instructions

Remember the movie Gremlins where a set of specific instructions are given that keep the cute and fuzzy Gremlin from going berserk, evil and homicidal?

We all have them. That little list of things that keeps us fluffy and friendly.

After a conversation with a friend this morning (who was not aware of every item on my list and became a victim of my gnarly side) I have decided to take this opportunity to share with you my "Handling Instructions".

1. Do not engage me for at least 1 hour after I have woken up or until you see my first empty coffee cup. Whatever comes first. - I am a horrible morning person and I make little apology for it. One thing that will make my fangs show faster than anything is to expect me to perform in any way upon first opening my eyes. There are some things I will do, but its on my own terms and should not ever be expected. Suffice it to say that I could never be a Fireman or little Suzy's kitty cat would probably be shot out of the tree instead of safely delivered into her arms with a smile and a pat on her little grateful head.
2. I live by the rule of balance - Regardless of what is said, I do not believe that any one person can be 100% kind, patient, creative, etc. all of the time. It's not good for you. Sometimes the fur has to fly and you must raise the pirate flag as you rip out an evil cackle through your adventure. There are days that I have had to be extremely patient with my children, caring with a client, etc. and I must balance this out by a little snark here and there or by throwing a water balloon at my kids, loosening the salt shaker lid at the dinner table or prank answering a telemarketer by allowing them to believe that I'm an opera singer in practice or I am hiding in the closet from evil pirates...AURGH.
3. Save your compliments for your Grandma's biscuits - I don't do compliments. It's not that I don't think I deserve them...I do (see...I am humble too) When I have done something for someone, I would rather you pass it on then go on & on about what I did, how it affected you, how it could affect the jet stream in Africa and knock a bee off course...I don't care after I have done it. I just did it for you. Let's move on..the last time I needed my butt powdered was 34 years ago. If you like my hair...thank Clariol (it's their work, not mine) If you like my clothes...thank (insert label here) I didn't stitch them, I just display them. If you like the way my kids behave...thank God, because I can't seem to do it right.
4. Don't surprise me. Ever. - I have a tremendous range of emotion, but for some reason the "Surprise" emotion got looked over upon installation. My children haven't seemed to gotten this concept yet. Everyday I get a new surprise. "Look Mom...the baby CAN fit in the toilet" "Look Mom...I can do makeup on me and my sisters with a Sharpie" "Look Mom...no don't look at all the flour and broken eggs on the floor...I made you breakfast (which clearly violates rule #1 anyways)

Those are some basic handling instructions to keep me cute and fluffy.

What are some of yours?