Project 365 Day 19

This post is a little early due to the fact that I am going to be busy all day tomorrow. Before bedtime I started getting the camera out to do my 365 picture and Belly (pictured above) immediately went into meltdown mode.

"MMMMOOOOOMMMMYYY.....I WANNA TAKE PICTURE"

So today's 365 picture (and the following pictures) show me as mommy. I don't think I could take a better picture than the following and the one above. It's not a self portrait, it's a love portrait.

Project 365 Day 18

“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary...” ~ Edgar Allan Poe

Last night at 2am, or maybe it was 3am or 1am? I sat in the floor of the baby's room rocking her and singing lullabies through gritted teeth. My curly headed angel with the happiest smile was screaming as though her crib was a torture chamber. This has gone on every night for the past 3 weeks. I wonder if Old Poe ever spent time with a newborn because he sure nailed the feeling.

I checked her diaper, looked for new teeth, ran my hand over her sheets making sure there wasn't a lump, checked the room temperature, check for fever, gave a lotion rub, etc. I never can find what is causing this screaming, but still I check. I feel worn out, but checking? It makes me feel like I'm doing everything I can to ease her discomfort. I am weak and I am weary.

By the time the other girls get up for the day, I already feel stretched. A simple request for breakfast feels monumental. Being asked to sit and do crafts feels like an intrusion. 

As I am sure, dear reader, that you must know by now...this week I go to Blissdom. I will not be here for the breakfast requests, craft times or bed times. There have only been two times since I gave birth to my first daughter that I have been gone and away from home responsibilities. Those two times were when I gave birth to the other girls. I know I will miss my girls and wonder if they are missing me, but I need this break. I need to refresh the woman who is behind the weary mother. I need to feel challenged and inspired by other women.

But if by chance you see me at Blissdom and I am curled on a park bench under the tropical foliage... bring me a pillow and don't wake me up.

Project 365 Day 17

No time to really post today, but couldn't miss the 365 picture. I had a busy day in the studio today. This means a night full of editing. I took a break between sets to jump in front of the camera. This is the "Worker" me. Casual and needing to be 4 places at once.

Project 365 Day 16

“There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.” ~Washington Irving

I have always loved this quote because it describes me. Most of the time I appear happy-go-lucky, I lean on my husband and I seem to just float from one day to the next. I never thought about having strength or what it meant to be strong and "blaze in the dark hour of adversity"

Consider a cotton ball. It is soft, pliable and appears weak. Yet if you take a coin and put in on top of the cotton ball, it will hold it there as long as you ask it to. There have been many times that I have been that cotton ball. It wasn't until a coin was placed on top of me that I found I had the strength to hold it for as long as needed. 

There was a time just a few days after birth when I should have been home rocking Belly and rejoicing in her newness, that I found myself hovered over a hospital crib watching my daughter as she was put through test after test for a hole in her heart we never knew was there. I was exhausted from giving birth, my body ached but I couldn't leave her side. No matter how weak I thought I was, I found the strength to stand for my daughter. I found the strength to speak positively to my husband who couldn't be there and give him encouragement and peace. I wanted to crumble, but I found the strength. 

There have been times that I held the hands of family members and provided a shoulder during the death or illness of a loved one. I wanted to crumble, pound the ground and scream at the heavens about how unfair it was; but I stayed strong. It's not because I really wanted to, but I had a coin placed upon me.

There have been times as an adult where I have been asked to be strong. I don't want to be strong, but I will hold that coin as long as it is asked of me. It's amazing the amount of strength we find that we have when we are asked.

Project 365 Day 15

I've been asked a lot recently what is the deal with the crayons. Am I really THAT crazy about crayons? Well...yes. Crayons play a big part on my blog, because of my kids. Yes, we like to color. It's more than that though.

I see my kids as crayons. Each one has its unique strengths. Together as they blend they can create beautiful pictures of life, but separately each one shines. As they find their "color" in life they learn how to create their future by using their "color".

Whether it the brightness of a yellow. Warm and inviting.

The calmness of a blue. Relaxed and fluid.

The strength of a red. Powerful and arresting.

Their "color" makes them unique and defines them. We use our knowledge of these colors to help guide them as they are learning who they are and why they should be celebrated.

...and that is one of the reasons that we "color outside of the lines" and I call myself "The Crayon Wrangler"

Project 365 Day 14

Boom Boom Ain't it great to be crazy...

So the Scribblers and I have been cooped up in the house for almost a solid 3 weeks. First it was because of the snow, then sickness, then I was being a selfish jerk and didn't want to do anything, more snow, more sickness and now more snow on the way.

I have done everything humanly possible to entertain and to keep us from going stir crazy. We have filled up about 14 coloring books, had dance parties, dress up, tea parties, played dollies, hide-n-go seek, dialed 411 on my cell and asked the operator for "Sanity" and many other various games/activities. My husband drew the line when I tried to get them to play Houdini and bind them in the closet. He's such a spoil sport.

I think this is one of the times when being a mom is the hardest. The moment when you realize that your bag of tricks is empty, there is no rabbit in your hat and nothing is up your sleeves. The childrens' eyes start to lose the sparkle when they realize it's just another day just like yesterday. Let's face it, my eyes are sparkling either. We are going crazy and sometimes that is just not fun.

I strive so hard to challenge my kids to be creative, to make the most out of nothing and to find things to laugh about. So after breakfast this morning when I realized that I was indeed staring at an empty hat with no rabbit inside. It was time to embrace the Bozo and have a clown party. We will learn how to slip on banana peels (because someone hasn't cleaned up after breakfast) squirt water at each other (because that's the most effective way to clean smeared banana off a child) juggle (because that's the only way to serve lunch to three kids who all want something different) and perfect the "Sad Face" (because we are so sick and tired of being impounded within this house)

Project 365 Day 13

 

This was going to be an awesome picture until the Youngest Scribbler farted right on my foot. I lost the serious look and laughed. Strange thing...it's still an awesome picture because it is more me.

All the years I wasted trying to be that serious girl. The one with the right words. Totally wasted those years trying to squash who I was inside. I was so worried that my jokes wouldn't come out right. So worried that the dry wit would be seen as sarcasm. (For the record, sarcasm rocks in my book!)

I actually spent about 5 years in self-imposed laughter prison. Trying to learn to be more serious and thinking that was what it was going to take for me to ever be a success in life. I read books by deep thinkers who reeked of solemness. I was squashed.

Then came my Scribblers and I couldn't hold the laughter back anymore. It could have been to keep me from crying on days that someone cut all their hair off, stopped up the toilet with 8 bananas (who knew that wouldn't flush?) or swallowed a $50 bill (never got my change back on that one!) However it happened, the laughter came bubbling back and overflowed into just about every minute of every day.

If we have met online or in real life, I guarantee we have laughed together. I probably have poked fun at you in some way, but that's just because I want you to laugh at yourself and your life. I can be serious when the moment warrants it, but it never lasts for long. It's not a defense mechanism from being nervous, its just me. It's not that I don't see the seriousness of certain life changing situations, it just me. It's me living life unsquashed.

I did take another picture as well. One where I looked directly at the camera. I simply hate taking these pictures. I feel like the camera is dissecting my very soul. I feel like it reveals too much. I feel this way because when I am playing the part of the photographer, that's what I am doing. I am looking for that one moment that shows the real person inside my subject. That shy moment, that moment of explosive laughter or that mischievous smile. I frankly, don't like doing this with myself. Here is the picture though. It doesn't look like the me picture above. This "me" is squashed and she needs to laugh.

Project 365 Day 12

Mom Down. Mom Down.

Well John...you knew there would be bad days, but I won't fail "The Project"! Pbbbt!

No matter what super powers Moms may have, there are just so many times you can be puked on. Apparently 6 times within 24 hours is the magic number.

My stomach started rolling a bit last night like a theme park ride. You know at the end of the ride there is that clown? The evil little one that laughs in your face? I saw that. Well, actually it was one of the girls who had made it to my bedside just so she could shake me away and then puke all over my shoulder, arm and sheets. (Maria...if you are laughing...and I know you are...karma, lady. Karma)

So I am staying in bed today. With the exception of taking care of the kids, cleaning up, encouraging crackers and hydration....what I mean to say is that I will be a mom and wish I was staying in bed,

Project 365 Day 11

I have a dream...

We are all consumed by dreams, they creep in every day.

Things we wish we would have done or wish that we could say.

Time that has flown right past when we were too busy see,

The chances and opportunities and what could actually be.

The dream is the music of the soul; the essence of our heart.

Yet what if we let our dreams define us? Where would we start?

Would we begin our day different with our dreams leading our way?

Should we do the things we dream of and say what we want to say?

Your reality will never become your dream if you don't step aside.

Let your dreams define you and let your dreams decide.

*I am participating in Project 365 - Self Portraits. All pictures in this collection are taken by either timer or remote. The pictures taken are used to recreate an emotion for that day. Contrary to comments that have been received this is not a "narcissistic display" but rather a project to improve my photography skills, creativity and self image. All comments are appreciated and photography advice is welcome!

Project 365 Day 10

The sun has been out for two days and I could have laid there forever. 

Well, I laid there just long enough for the mud to completely soak through my shirt and pants. That has got to be the nastiest feeling ever. We have to accept though with the sun and thawing snow, there has got to be mud puddles left behind.


I'm sure there is some really awesome life analogy in there somewhere, but I am too tired to think of one right now. I'd love for you to leave me your opinion on an analogy though in the comments.

*I am participating in Project 365 - Self Portraits. All pictures in this collection are taken by either timer or remote. The pictures taken are used to recreate an emotion for that day. Contrary to comments that have been received this is not a "narcissistic display" but rather a project to improve my photography skills, creativity and self image. All comments are appreciated and photography advice is welcome!

Project 365 Day 9

Before someone else asks...Yes I dyed my hair. Well, didn't really dye it but went back to the original color (or as close as I can remember) I had been dying it almost black for a long time because....well, I don't have a good reason. I think I thought the red was too fad-ish even if mine was naturally auburn. 'Course the goth look wasn't too great on me either. So I stripped it down. I did however allow my skunk stripe to stay. I was going to try to match it to the auburn, but really??? I'm not going to try to keep up with it anymore.

So anyways, Project 365. I took this post inside the door way to my studio. The truth behind the picture is that I am feel like I am hovering in the "doorway" of my business. I've been taking these bright photographs for so long because it was what was safe for me. Recently I've noticed a shift towards low-key and cross processing. I adore the low-key because it is dramatic, but my eye sees the cross processed as washed out. The photograph above has some mild cross processing and I don't like the effect too much, but I like the portrait as a whole. It works with the pose. I'm trying to step out of my "doorway" and learn new techniques, but its hard to leave what I knew. What felt safe.

It's like this in all aspects of my life. I tend to cling to what is safe. I'm not a "bungee jumper" in life and I don't like risks. I take a lot of risks, but never putting something on the table that I can't stand to lose. Guess that doesn't make it much of a risk, does it? My oldest daughter is so much like me. I watch her caution towards new things and it kills me because I know she would love the new experience. Yet, I understand. The timidness towards the new, it's in me too.

So I stand in the doorway trying to take a step into a new light. Because I am "me" I will probably be looking over my shoulder from time to time at what was safe.

Project 365 Day 8

I need to get away sometimes. I need the closeness of family and friends to ground me.

I need to back out on obligations. I need the feeling of success in a project.

I need to disappoint people. I crumble at the thought of disappointing someone.

I need to be a nobody. I need to be somebody.

No expectations.

There are times I run away inside myself and hope that nobody finds me. There are times I need someone to search me out and show me that I matter.

Sometimes I need to cry when I am expected to laugh. Sometimes I laugh when I want to cry.

Sometimes I want to push away when I am in an embrace. Sometimes I don't ever want to be let go of.

Sometimes I want to cover my ears when I am expected to listen. Sometimes I really need to hear what is said.

That's who I am.

Project 365 Day 6

It is a blustery day. Nothing like a steaming cup of coffee and good book to start the day off right.

What do you do to start your day off?

Project 365 Day 5

If you follow my tweets you know that I have internet troubles. After finally getting a hold of someone who spoke layman terms I learned that someone close in location to me grabbed my wireless signal and for the past several weeks has used my connection to hack into other computers. So they have been monitoring my IP and been following my internet usage to see if I was the hacker.

Me.

The chic who cant set the clock on the microwave. A hacker? The only thing i have hacked in my life was a ham. I didn't even do that well.

They would block my IP when other computers got hacked. Important computers. The kind of activity that gets black helicopters following you and a flower delivery van parked across the street. Whoever this basement dwelling, cheetos eating geek was also gave my computer a fun virus in the operating system. Thanks a lot jerk.

So everytime for the past week that I have been connected to the internet, "They" have been watching. Every time I logged into "People of Walmart", "Cake Wrecks" and those episodes of Myth Busters on YouTube where it shows if you can actually be sucked out of a airplane due to a bomb (I swear to the guy in the florist van, it was just curiousity and not research)...THEY were watching me.

My tinfoil hat is on. Thanks a lot, you Star Trekkie with your posable Star Wars figurines watching over your copy of "Catcher In The Rye". Now I know longer feel safe looking at the live feed from Chiapet.com.

Tinfoil secure. Laugh it up Cheeto boy.

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Project 365 Day 4

Psst....I get to use my actual computer now!! Whoohoo!

Day 4 - I am so tired of all the white outside! There is a massive stir crazy event going on in my house. It's not that we have had foot upon foot of the snow. Just a consistent white layer to everything. It's not even the right kind of snow to build a snowman, snow fort and with the teen range temperatures I'll be darned if you see me out there long enough to produce a Crayon Wrangler snow angel. I am not rolling around in that stuff. Period. They are calling for more snow throughout this week and I am trying to envision warmer climates, happy days and a little bit of color outside.

Are you currently snowed in? What are you doing to stay sane from being cooped up?

Project 365 Day 2

This post is brought to you from my itty bitty keyboard from my itty bitty phone. Thanks alot internet service for messing up some DNS and IP thing. On top of that i sincerely appreciate you being closed over the weekend and almost causing me to screw up this whole Project 365.

So...Day 2

Psst...i have no idea how this post is gonna look so 1000 pardons for that and my no spell check phone. I did however learn how to take a pic with my darling Niki (Nikon) upload to computer and then transfer the file to my phone by the USB cable. Yes. I rock and you can be jealous.

I got sick kids today. Buckets of dripping snot. Weapons of mass disgustion. I've been up all night being the Cough Monitor. That is a whole lot less fun than being The Crayon Wrangler. I'm slappin foreheads, guessing temps, cropdusting with Lysol and there are bags under my eyes I could fill with enough stuff to fly somewhere warm and germ free for 3 weeks. In fact, if one more child does their impersonation of Slimer off the Ghostbusters while hugging me; i may just hop that jet plane with my beautiful black bags that coordinate nicely with my ladden saddle bags.

So there is Project Me 365 and its not a great portrait but its real.

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Project 365 - Day 1

I have been wanting to do something different on my blog for a while. Wanting to still be me, but different. One of my dear photography friends, Kimberly, shared a cool project and I decided to take part in it. It's 365 days of self portraits, but I am taking the angle of showing you the "real" me for 365 days. The good, the bad and the ugly. Using props, angles or whatever it takes to show you how I feel for that day. I will then tell you the truth of what is behind the image.

This 1st day is somewhat staged but I wanted to do it for Day 1 to introduce you to me. This IS me. It's showing you that I'm a mom and I am a mess. I am scatterbrained and I don't always make the right choice.

If you were to walk into my house this is exactly what you would find. I always have one out of three children orbiting me, there are toys everywhere, I probably can't find my shoes, hair up but dangling because I have attempted to pull it out on several occasions, coffee cup present but more than likely cold and my journal for ideas. My phone would be in the picture, but I am sure I couldn't find it either.