Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Lessons Learned - 2010

Lessons Learned in 2010

Basic  lessons
  • There is no "Easy Button" when you are a mom.
  • There is an "Easier Button" if you look for it. Mine is Speed Dial #1 and its the "I'm calling your dad" direct line. When I push that button everything is easier.
  • There are people who love waking up in the morning, frying bacon, baking biscuits and singing in the kitchen.
  • Then there is me.
  • If you pull out a pack of bacon and stare at it hard enough for 20 minutes, you can convince yourself that it might be spoiled.
  • To be safe, feed the children cereal.
  • Feel pride all day long from the certain food poisoning disaster you avoided.
  • Go to bed that night and mention in your prayer to God that you were sorry you were lazy and lied to the children who wanted bacon.
  • Husbands who had moms who cooked elaborate breakfasts are decidedly miffed when served cereal.
  • Even after 10 years of marriage the comment "My mom always did...." will still come up.
  • Husbands are the reason that mother-in-laws get such a bad rap.
  • With Child #1 you did a constant sweep of the house to make sure there were no choking hazards on the floor.
  • With Child #3 you teach the older ones who to do the "throat sweep" while you trip over tiny Legos.
  • It is possible to get your thumb stuck in a minivan hatch to the point where you can't move.
  • This is the type of thing that only happens to me.
  • It's possible to control tears and cussing when children are present so you don't scare them while you are stuck and in pain.
  • When the husband comes to your rescue and points/laughs first before rescuing you, you can not control the cussing part.
  • Sometimes when you look at all your little crazy mistakes in the day; you wonder why God entrusted small children to your care.
  • After you have asked forgiveness for the whole bacon incident; thank God that he gave you all those little beings to care for.
Selling your home lessons

  • 12 years after the initial construction, it is a good idea to spruce up the house and update major features for selling.
  • Carpet, paint and new floor tiling is a wonderful selling point.
  • Before the new carpet, paint and floor tiling has been installed; you average around 5 showings every week.
  • Once the new carpet, paint and floor tiling has been installed, not one person will look at your house for the next 3 months.
  • 2 children and one dog can ruin the whole look of new carpet in about 3 weeks.
  • The new paint will hold up about one week past the carpet.
  • Although you had initially packed up most of your knick-knacks; they will slowly find their way back into the house after it hasn't shown for 3 months.
  • Once the carpet looks worn, there are scuffs on the paint and the house generally looks like it threw up; you will get 5-6 showings a week again.
  • Around this time the season of Spring has shown up.
  • Before you put your house on the market, you could mow the grass every 10 days to keep it looking nice.
  • A Realtor sign contains some kind of fertilizer. Once planted in your yard, the grass needs to be mowed every 2 days to keep it from being as tall as the trees.
  • On the day the laundry is to be finished and there are 6 baskets of dirty clothes sitting around, you will get a call that the house is showing in an hour.
  • You can stuff 3 loads of laundry in the dryer and the other 3 loads will fit in the car.
  • A loaf of fresh bread takes around an hour to cook.
  • While you are kneading the raw dough, you will get a call that the house is showing in an hour.
  • Go ahead and finish your bread, it seems that Realtors and potential home buyers enjoy having fresh bread while touring your house.
  • Have an exit plan similar to that of a fire escape and drill the children every day.
  • You will get a call that the house is showing in one hour, when the kids are muddy, need a nap, have Legos strewn across the floor or are in a uncooperative mood.
  • Those three laundry baskets will come in handy that you put in the car. Throw a child, toys and dog in one and carry it to the car too.

Grocery shopping with kids
  • When you have small children, you will put off going to the store as long as possible.
  • After trying to make a dinner out of a can of peaches, ranch dressing and 3 olives, it's time to go to the store.
  • Gummy fruit snacks and coffee are the most important items on the 4 foot long list.
  • You will go to the store that has the cool race car shopping carts, not the one with the best prices.
  • You take extra diapers and clothes along with your coupons.
  • Since you know your kids, you already have a pre-written apology letter to the manager of the store.
  • The first meltdown occurs right inside the door when the children discover that all the cool race car shopping carts are being used.
  • A trip to the free cookie counter will appease them for 20 minutes.
  • You spend more time trying to put back the things the kids throw in the cart, than actually shopping.
  • You will lose a child on Aisle 4, 7, 9 & 14
  • Someone will break something on Aisle 3
  • Meltdowns occur on the cookie, cereal and bakery aisle.
  • You wonder why your child feels the need to poke the fresh meat packages.
  • At the checkout line you are so busy explaining that the kids can't just eat the candy off the displays, that you forget your coupons.
  • Once home you realize that you forgot the fruit gummy snacks and coffee.
  • Somehow 3 boxes of cookies, a pack of frozen bagels, bottle of Fish Oil supplement and a bottle of Cinderella hand soap made it into your groceries.
  • You are so mentally wiped from shopping, you order a pizza.

Kids have no sense of humor

  • 3 year olds are not amused when a parent hides in their closet to throw ice cold water on them.

  • 4 year olds will declare themselves a Vegan when a parent drives by a cow pasture and points out the hamburgers.

  • Shorting sheets does not work on those under 4 feet tall.

  • Putting a fake spider in the bathtub will result in a boycott of bath time.

  • Replacing their bowl of vanilla ice cream with sour cream does not cause laughter but puking.

  • Putting an ice cube in a diaper loses the shock factor when the wetness is just absorbed.

  • Finding a perfect hiding spot is not recommended when playing with children under 3. This has a tendency to bring back all the separation anxiety.

  • When working in the kitchen, do not coat hand with ketchup and begin screaming. Children under 5 do not appreciate gory humor.

  • Putting Vaseline on the seat of a toilet does not encourage a toddler to potty train as they continually slide off into the floor.

  • Teaching "knock knock" jokes is impossible when one has the attention span of a gnat and drools constantly.

    Bugaboo bee Online said...

    My kids are grown, so no more little toys!
    So I'm going to get them something really nice that will last forever!

    Sandy said...

    I love this! Thanks for the laugh. And I totally understand why kids poke the meat...I still do!


    Related Posts with Thumbnails