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This week's prompt is simple: write a piece, fiction or non-fiction, inspired by the delicious shot. Word limit is 600.
“Stop, you little thief”
Moon’s fingers gripped the scrap of cloth holding her prize as her bare feet pounded the uneven cobblestone. Her tattered skirt fluttered like a sail behind her as she navigated the familiar path leading to her escape. Angry shouts faded behind her as the distance grew between her and the baker.
Pushing her way through women’s thick skirts and men’s trousers, she barely noticed the way they cringed from her path as if her poverty and despair were a plague. No one chastised her for her crime, only a handful of people even knew her name.
Two years ago, as they huddled together behind the bakery, Star, with all the wisdom of a six year old, suggested Moon pick her own name. Contemplating her choices, Moon knew she wanted something that would always be close to Star.
Star had been the one who had carried her as a toddler away from the fallen woman in the alley, the woman who was known as Mother. Two years was a lifetime to Moon. It was longer than the unwanted girl ever had with a “family.”
Moon twisted her body between the tin walls of her riverside fortress.She clutched her bounty close to her so it would be unblemished when she presented it to Star. Cautiously, Moon picked her way to Star’s bedside.
Her breath caught for a moment until she saw her sister’s chest rise and fall with another shallow breath.
She placed her small hand on her feverish forehead and waited. Eyelashes fluttered open, revealing Star’s pained eyes. Without a word, Moon slowly unwrapped the richly frosted donut and broke off a small piece, placing it on Star’s swollen tongue.
A smile, so slight it could have been imagined, crossed her face as peace took the place of anguish.
She carefully tucked away the luxurious delicacy. The lingering smell reminded her of the other times they had shared a stolen pastry. They had dreamed of being royalty and how anxious they were to return to the loving arms of their parents. In those brief moments, Star and Moon were no longer street tramps but princesses, adorned in fine dresses and dining to their hearts’ content.
Rustling jerked Moon back into the present and she spied the hungry eyes of a child peering through the sheets of tin. Drawn by the sweet scent, the child cautiously approached her. So not to frighten the child, Moon reached out to the fragile little boy and offered him the wrapped donut.
“You got a mommy?”
His sad eyes told her a familiar story of pain. She settled down beside him as he devoured his treasure, savoring the sugary icing. Using her torn skirt, Moon tenderly wiped the crumbs from his sunken cheeks.
“You got a name?”
The boy would need a name. Moon suggested he choose his own.
41 comments:
*Shivers* So sad, yet beautiful at the same time. You've done it again. The imagery of the girl running through the crowd - I'm right there as she pushes past me. I'm sure I have some icing on my skirt. Oh look - I really do - dang kids :D
Oh, G-d. Woman. This is fantastic, I love it. It's really beautifully written and so well inspired. All that from a picture of a doughnut, no less. You amaze me. You totally rock. I am in awe. And totally and truly touched, as well.
This is even better!!
I like the fact that the boy picks his own name as Moon was allowed to pick hers.
I swear I am running along side of the young girl...
Beautiful images in such dire straights...
This, again is awesome!
Oh, GF. WOW! This was an amazing take on the prompt. I love them and want to take care of them.
I adored the names that you chose, how young you made them, how precious the donut was.
There were many stand-out lines. But this one: " It was longer than the unwanted girl ever had with a “family.” really grabbed at my heartstrings.
You nailed this one. Of course you did!
You always raise the game GF! Wow. I am in awe how u take something so simple and pull my heart apart. I can see these children, smell them, I want to take them home and wrap them in a blanket on my couch.
I have to agree with GB about that line it was so heart wrenching.
You challenge my humaness with each piece. Thank u.
The tenderness of the children struck me here, how easy it is for them to adapt, to love and nurture one another in the sad absence of loving adults.
The passing of the flame from Star to Moon, as Moon brings the lost boy in, broke my heart a little.
This is an incredible take on the prompt. The names, the beautiful story, I can totally see her running through the crowd of people. Great job.
Loved this story.
I think I would have told the story about her name a little differently. You had momentum going with the first two paragraphs then all of a sudden it stopped for me with the "2 years ago" line.
Really creative though. Loved the characters and situation you created. Nice job!
Oh this is so heartbreaking yet sweet like a donut! I love the take on the prompt, and I was drawn in completely! I can't wait to see what he chooses for his name!
Well this just makes me so... sad.
It's amazingly well written. I especially liked the line "cringed from her path as if her poverty and despair were a plague"
Amazing.
What a story! I want to go save those poor children. It makes me ache that Star is so sick with no one to care for her. I really loved the detail about their tin dwelling.
Another point that stuck out to me was when she was running through the crowd. "Pushing her way through women’s thick skirts and men’s trousers, she barely noticed the way they cringed from her path as if her poverty and despair were a plague." I really loved this sentence.
This was a wonderful piece. I could really picture the scene. I found this particular line so powerful, "No one chastised her for her crime, only a handful of people even knew her name." SOME of them knew her name--but didn't help. Devastating!
I also love the introduction of the new child but I too found the transition from memory to the present a little confusing.
You cleaned this up so wonderfully. It really flows. I have to admit though, I really liked how you wrapped the story up in the draft but I know you were trying to get within the word limit. Reading it a second time gave me chills as if it were the first all over again.
My story never came to me. UGH!
I loved the ending to this story, coming full-circle with the boy. The imagery was vivid and I felt like I was there.
For me, there were some issues with focus. I wasn't sure what to think about: her rescue by Star, a mere child herself; the fact that Star was clearly very sick now; or the introduction of a new brother.
As much as I loved the ending with the boy, I wonder if it was too much to introduce him in a story of this length.
What works? The story is a wonderful story of kids on their own. The longing for a family and a place is real.
What could use work? Repetitive sentence structre. For example? These first sentences all have the same cadence even though the word choice is magical. "Moon’s fingers gripped the scrap of cloth holding her prize as her bare feet pounded the uneven cobblestone. Her tattered skirt fluttered like a sail behind her as she navigated the familiar path leading to her escape. Angry shouts faded behind her as the distance grew between her and the baker." They would be even better if they were ordered differently from one another.
What did I love? This "They had dreamed of being royalty and how anxious they were to return to the loving arms of their parents. In those brief moments, Star and Moon were no longer street tramps but princesses, adorned in fine dresses and dining to their hearts’ content." As an adoptive mom I know this is true. Displaced kids dream that this is their truth.
This is a wonderful story both in its fictions and in its larger truths. Well done.
This is beautiful, yet heartbreaking. The children were forced to grow up too fast, yet are still innocent.
I love that the boy has to choose his own name like Moon did.
Beautifully written. Tragic story. I don't think you missed anything with this. Every line moves the story forward and conveys the pain and dreams these children have. What a great piece. Amazing!
I wish I could get my mind to go where you get yours to go with these prompts. My writing feels...shallow, frivolous, elementary compared to yours.
In other words? I love this. As usual.
Wow.. I don't even know where to begin. Your story was tragically beautiful. Being a person with a strong sensitivity to others, I was right there with them and probably will be for the rest of the day. (Thanks alot! Only kidding). Really well done.
I think MoveOverMaryP used the word I was going to---- tenderness. So much of it here. Especially in the end's small details. Gorgeous.
Fascinating! I love the importance of the names as it plays into the piece. Seems like it could become something bigger.
I really loved this story, dear CW.
It was sad, yet lovely. Kids caring for kids. I see it in real life way to frequently.
It's so amazing how children adapt to things--good and horrible--so much easier than an adult would. I feel like you captured that here.
Your descriptions and details are my favorite part of your writing. I am convinced you could write about counting beans and I would think it was lovely.
I like you describe details differently than most would think to. For instance, "the woman who was known as Mother" seems like an ordinary detail, but the capitalization of the word "Mother" and the passive "was known as" shows she is gone and that is not such a tragedy.
And to me, the ending was perfect. We get a sense that Star is not long for this world, and that Moon will become the big sister now to this new little boy.
I like.
This is so wonderfully written. It is so sad yet heartwarming to see the kids taking care of each other.
Great story.
I haven't read everyone's stories yet, but I'll say it.. I'm sure this is my favorite. So beautiful and sad.
My favorite line is " Moon knew she wanted something that would always be close to Star." for me, it speaks of the yearning to belong with someone else, to not go through life alone.
It's such a moving story. As a mom, I struggled with the up close look at the street children. But their relationship is very touching.
I thought the physical description of her getaway was very effective--I felt like I was right there running with Moon.
Whew! I agree with so many of the folks here, The hairs on my arms stood up, "“You got a mommy?” really did it because it turns 'mommy' into an object of desire, a concept rather than a reality.
I really thought you did a great job of creating a world here without an adults.
oh, ouch.
lovely and well told, but so so sad. what a strong girl.
So very nicely constructed- beginning, middle and end filled with creamy goodness and chocolate sprinkles.
You really outdid yourself with this.
You know how I feel about this piece, my friend.
Love this world of tin and love that you've created.
I've already shared my thoughts with you, elsewhere, so I can just use this space to swoon. :)
So lovely.
Hi Partner. Just pouring over the concrit and taking notes.
You know that I loved this story from the first time I saw it.
I like that you broke up the paragraphs for easier reading.
Let do this again, yeah? Well, I'll show up and throw in a comma here and there but you know what I mean.
FOLKS: All the bits you liked: ALL Crayon Wrangler!
I have no concrit to offer, but this.. this is a beautifully touching and woeful tale of children being forced into adulthood responsibilities all too soon.
You, woman, are an amazing word-weaver.
This is so beautiful, so sad so.. so.. so much of everything that a story should be. I have no brain for concrit because nothing jumps out at me, it just all flows (down a very deep river). Thank you.
You amazed me how you can look at this donut and see this whole little world and these kids...very vivid images and a touching story. I could feel her running through the crowd...
This was heartbreaking. I just wanted to take all three in my arms and give them the sun, the moon and the stars.
(Very clever, by the way.)
There were a couple things I noticed, but since they were already covered, I'm just going to finish with...
I wish this was longer and that some of the back story was filled out. I could see this as a longer piece. A much longer piece.
That was fan-freaking-tastic. Such a wonderful, yet heartbreaking story. Beautifully written!
Love the sad circular nature of this story. You Red Dressers are killing it with the donuts!
Oh, this is so sad.
You did an awesome job bringing Moon to life.
Are you going to write more about her? And the little boy?
I think there is more story here.
This was just wonderful. I loved it. Excellent writing. I'm your newest follower.
Oh, this was so tender. The kindness of children is so powerfully rendered.
I love the naming. That is truly magical, and really make the ending linger.
Occasional wordiness...for example..you could just say "cobblestone" because cobblestone is, by nature, uneven.
So sad...
It's amazing how loving and giving children can be.
It's also incredibly sad how some parents don't want their children.
I always enjoy your writing!
I'm coming on this really late (and wondering how come I haven't read this already!) and have nothing new to add that hasn't already been said.
I will say that I can smell the donut. I can see the people on the street pulling back in revulsion. I can see that sweet taste going to the sister's swollen tongue. I can see the boy peeking through the tin. You took me somewhere today, and while it was sad, you did it brilliantly.
--The Drama Mama
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