Things "What To Expect" Didn't Teach me

I have heard tales of pregnant women everywhere settling in for another sleepless night with their bowl of peanut butter ice cream, Cheese Whiz and their new copy of "What To Expect When You Are Expecting". I believe the purchase of this book is almost a requirement when a new baby is on the way. It's a book filled with tons of information about all aspects of pregnancy, labor, delivery, postpartum care and newborn baby stuff. At times the information is a little too much and parts of the book can be downright scary. You add your knowledge from that along with what Google can teach you and you shall spend 9 months in paralyzing fear of a twitch that doesn't seem normal and you decided to look it up.

I assume because of the sale of this book was so popular, they have put out others covering infant/child issues. Once again, don't look up a bump on a child's arm and try to diagnose it using the book or Google. Your brain has enough to do without freaking out over a misdiagnosed mosquito bite. There is a book that needs to be written, as some things weren't covered.

Things To Expect When You Were Least Expecting

Chapters in this book will cover the following topics:

1. Ghostly kid cries. This is when you are working around the house or sleeping and you swear you heard your baby cry. There is no TV or radio on, but you distinctly heard a baby cry. It's possible that it is a possessed doll somewhere in your house that you haven't allowed your child to take in the bathtub to short it out yet, but it happens in doll-less houses as well.
2. Missing table spoons. This is a common complaint from moms of every age, location and every other demographic. It's not unique; you are not alone. Table spoons will disappear in the house of the young child. About every 3 months you will need to purchase new flatware. Good thing is you can now just purchase the spoons you need separately. Even the flatware departments understand this phenomenon. Don't bother trying to look for them. Trust me as someone who has bought no less than 15 sets of spares in the past 4 years, they are gone. Nothing to recover. (This phenomenon also affects baby/toddler socks. Random disappearances)
   
3. Parental speech patterns. Once you become a parent your speech changes. This is difficult to rid yourself of and quite annoying at those dinner parties that your husband has made you attend or any other social event for adults only. You will find yourself announcing your every move out loud and speaking in third party. "Mommy is going to the drink station", "Mommy zipped her dress all by herself" "Mommy will be nice and not yell at that nice man that daddy works with" "Mommy knows you are always nice to others and you never push or bite"
4. Forgetting the names of those who matter. This is especially true if you have more than one child. You won't remember anyone's name that you meet, but you can list off every character in Yo Gabba Gabba, Thomas the Train or Dora. If you have more than one child, you have a tendency to say everyone's name in the house (including pets) as fast as you can until the child you are talking to recognizes their name and responds.
5. Kids are weird. No matter how smart Suzy is or how well behaved Johnny is; you can bet your buttons that there are times that they are just plain weird. It's those moments that you cock your head like a dog with a silent whistle and just observe the weirdness. You will self talk about "Is this normal?" You will probably google it and hopefully it led you here to my blog. No doubt about it, kids do some really messed up stuff. It's all part of learning, exploring and entertaining us (which is why we have kids anyways, right?)

What were you not expecting?