Must Have Items For Real Moms

The Things That I Need

Sing to the tune of "My Favorite Things"

Time by myself with no children screaming,

Time to eat cake and do some daydreaming.

A cream to make all of my stretch marks recede,

These are a few of the things that I need.

Sippies that have a homing beacon that blinks,

A button that removes all the toothpaste from sinks.

Working cleaners that won't melt brains or make noses bleed

These are a few of the things that I need.

When I hear a baby scream,

When the toddlers mean

When I need a drink

I simply imagine the things that I need

And then I don't feel so bad.

Legos with edges that won't cut a foot,

Magic that makes all the puzzle pieces stay put.

A vaccum that spits out the toys and still does its deed

These are a few of the things that I need.

 A bathroom break with nobody knocking

Shirts that repel puke and no runs in my stocking

As moms I think that we are all nodding and agreed.

Skip the spa trip!! These are the real things we need.

When I hear a baby scream,

When the toddlers mean

When I need a drink

I simply imagine the things that I need

And then I don't feel so bad.

What are some things you think REAL moms need?

Mama Went To The Bathroom

Done to the tune of Devil Went Down To Georgia

A momma went to the bathroom, she was looking for a quiet place to steal,
She was in a bind to find some "Me" time then she slipped on a banana peel,
And she came across a toddler laughing, splashing and making banana soup in the pot.
Mama's face turned bright red and she screamed, "Girl, let me tell you what."

I guess you didn't know but I need this bathroom too,
If you'd care to stop this cooking, I'll make a deal with you.
Now you can be good as gold, but give this mama a quiet minute.
I promise when I come back out, I won't mention the banana in it.

The girl said "My name is Belly and it might not be smart"
"But I'll take your deal and leave you alone and trust the yellin' won't start"

Belly, you'd better leave the room and scurry on your way,
Cause Mama's had a time and it's been a real bad day.
Give your Mama a minute so she can clear her mind,
And hope that she forgets to paddle your behind....

Belly opened up the bathroom door and she began to run,
Laughter shot from her mouth as she knew what she had done.
As Mama sat on the side of the tub there came a horrible sound
And Belly knew her time was numbered because of what Mama just found.

When Mama came out, Belly said,
You promised me no swat
So sit in that rocker there
Cause I know that I've been caught

Banana in the toilet, stew fruit stew.
The carrots and your clothes are making a brew.
Shaving cream and lotiony soap
Take a breath, Mama...I know you can cope.

The Mama bowed her head because she knew that she'd been beat.
Her resolve to paddle disappeared when she heard that voice so sweet.
Belly said, "I love you momma and I tried so hard to be good,
I was cooking for you just like a good momma would"

And she said

Banana in the toilet, stew fruit stew.
The carrots and your clothes are making a brew.
Shaving cream drips from above.
I am trying to show you all my love...

Mama M's Song

(done to Zac Brown Band's Toes)

I got my toes in the carpet, butt in my chair,
There's puke on my shirt, candy stuck in my hair.
Kids are wild today, Kids are wild today.

Well the baby woke up about 2 o'clock
And the bottle is cold in my hand
Visions of shopping dance in my head
And I standing by the empty coffee pot
Binkies and swings, dollies and blocks are the life that I'm livin in.
I am calling for the father,
The tubs overflowing water
And I'm not going in there again.

I got cheetos on the carpet, stains on the chair,
I can't find a clean shirt and haven't brushed my hair.
Kids are wild today, Kids are wild today.

Adios and someone please save me,
Yeah, I'm going insane.
And if it weren't for the legos and screaming babies
I'd have no reason to wake.
Adios can somebody hear me?
I am losing my brain.
Gonna lay on the carpet and stare at the ceiling
Hope that someone takes me away.

I got tape on my mouth, and arrows in my hair.
My wrists are bound and I am tied to my chair.
Kids are wild today, Kids are wild today.