Things "What To Expect" Didn't Teach me

I have heard tales of pregnant women everywhere settling in for another sleepless night with their bowl of peanut butter ice cream, Cheese Whiz and their new copy of "What To Expect When You Are Expecting". I believe the purchase of this book is almost a requirement when a new baby is on the way. It's a book filled with tons of information about all aspects of pregnancy, labor, delivery, postpartum care and newborn baby stuff. At times the information is a little too much and parts of the book can be downright scary. You add your knowledge from that along with what Google can teach you and you shall spend 9 months in paralyzing fear of a twitch that doesn't seem normal and you decided to look it up.

I assume because of the sale of this book was so popular, they have put out others covering infant/child issues. Once again, don't look up a bump on a child's arm and try to diagnose it using the book or Google. Your brain has enough to do without freaking out over a misdiagnosed mosquito bite. There is a book that needs to be written, as some things weren't covered.

Things To Expect When You Were Least Expecting

Chapters in this book will cover the following topics:

1. Ghostly kid cries. This is when you are working around the house or sleeping and you swear you heard your baby cry. There is no TV or radio on, but you distinctly heard a baby cry. It's possible that it is a possessed doll somewhere in your house that you haven't allowed your child to take in the bathtub to short it out yet, but it happens in doll-less houses as well.
2. Missing table spoons. This is a common complaint from moms of every age, location and every other demographic. It's not unique; you are not alone. Table spoons will disappear in the house of the young child. About every 3 months you will need to purchase new flatware. Good thing is you can now just purchase the spoons you need separately. Even the flatware departments understand this phenomenon. Don't bother trying to look for them. Trust me as someone who has bought no less than 15 sets of spares in the past 4 years, they are gone. Nothing to recover. (This phenomenon also affects baby/toddler socks. Random disappearances)
   
3. Parental speech patterns. Once you become a parent your speech changes. This is difficult to rid yourself of and quite annoying at those dinner parties that your husband has made you attend or any other social event for adults only. You will find yourself announcing your every move out loud and speaking in third party. "Mommy is going to the drink station", "Mommy zipped her dress all by herself" "Mommy will be nice and not yell at that nice man that daddy works with" "Mommy knows you are always nice to others and you never push or bite"
4. Forgetting the names of those who matter. This is especially true if you have more than one child. You won't remember anyone's name that you meet, but you can list off every character in Yo Gabba Gabba, Thomas the Train or Dora. If you have more than one child, you have a tendency to say everyone's name in the house (including pets) as fast as you can until the child you are talking to recognizes their name and responds.
5. Kids are weird. No matter how smart Suzy is or how well behaved Johnny is; you can bet your buttons that there are times that they are just plain weird. It's those moments that you cock your head like a dog with a silent whistle and just observe the weirdness. You will self talk about "Is this normal?" You will probably google it and hopefully it led you here to my blog. No doubt about it, kids do some really messed up stuff. It's all part of learning, exploring and entertaining us (which is why we have kids anyways, right?)

What were you not expecting?

Humor In Blogs

I have two quotes that I live by.

"A day without laughter is a day wasted." - Charlie Chaplin

"If you can't laugh at it, you can't live with it" - personal quote

I read from my BlogFrog buddy Holly that she was sitting in the BlogHer10 (still bitter about not going) conference watching the "Humor Panel". I sent her a message mumbling about the fact that I miss all the good stuff. She sent one back saying I should be on it next year. That got the old, rusty cogwheels turning; I should be on it next year. (Told you I had a sense of humor) I will be on it next year. (Power of positive thinking towards getting on the panel next year) I can do humor. Frugal living, coupon clipping, finding the best way to whiten my fingernails or current events are not my strongest points. Laughing, however; is something I do every day.

Humor is something that I try to introduce daily on my blog, but sometimes there are things that are no laughing matter. In order to be successful as a humor blog, you have to know the limits and your own personal style. So I am going to talk about the different styles of humor and the rules of humor on a blog.

Styles:

• Knock Knock Humor - You love sharing jokes, videos or pictures. This is the best kind of humor for a blog that everyone appreciates. There is no misreading or misinterpreting intentions.
• Hit and Run Humor - You deliver most of your punches in one line. This kind of humor is great for interjecting throughout your blog, but works best for Twitter and FB (notice I don't mention MySpace because if you are there, it's not funny)
• Out Of Breath Humor - These are the long winded stories or jokes that take a long time to set up. This can work for a blog if your writing skills can keep propelling your reader from the beginning to the end. This one is a little more tricky and I would suggest you never hit publish right away on these posts. Save it for a day or two, reread and make sure it makes sense and no part of it can be misread.

Rules:

• Everything is fair game in the humor field as long as it is presented as entertainment and not a rant.
• Never make fun of a person (especially true about family members!) You can make fun of their actions, but stay away from what might be misread as a personal attack.
• Understand and accept the fact that everything you write may not be funny.
• Stop TRYING to be funny, you either are or you are not.
• Always have fresh stuff. It's not often a person will truly laugh at the same thing twice. (That second laugh was just being polite)
• Shock value or crudeness does not equal funny.
  

Now that you know my personal opinions on styles and rules, what do you think makes a truly successful humor blog?

I am also looking for sponsors to the next BlogHer11 conference and Bloggy Boot Camp conferences so help me out!!