The Bucket List

Today my family is doing our "Bucket List" as a joint effort.

One head in the bucket at a time according to the "puke" list. Hence the term "Bucket List" (You thought I was talking about skydiving and wrestling an alligator, huh?)

Seems everyone in the house has the stomach bug at the same time. At least we are learning to share. That means bucket duty, lysol duty, sprite and crackers duty and major laundry duty for Mom. (Yay Me!)

It started yesterday with the 2yo. She made her grand debut in front of my "puke sensitive" dad who had just come over to visit. My parents helped me get everything cleaned up and hung around until my husband (Mr. Reinforcement) showed up to help. Then they were gone faster than an ice cream cone on a 100 degree day. The 2 yo is a fast learner and in no time learned to just sit on the edge of the sink to do "her business" and use the sprayer to clean it up.

3 hours later the 4 yo started. She is the Meryl Streep of The Puking Academy. High pitched screaming, arms flailing, foot stomping and no regard what-so-ever for aiming. She is best suited to be strapped down on a tarp.

30 minutes into the award winning performance of The Pukemeister, the baby started. No fuss was made, just a surprised "Hey, look what I just did...OH...I can finger paint with this"

The husband made some kind of remark about his super immune system and how he hasn't been sick a day since 1991.

Insert Karma, Murphy Law or God just laughing at you.

Now everyone is laid out in the floor and it looks like some kind of cult ritual or hangover party from the day before.

I am prancing around the bodies with cans of Lysol, cups of Sprite for re hydration and a new found respect for triage teams.

Did I mention the baby is also teething?

Oy

Things "What To Expect" Didn't Teach me

I have heard tales of pregnant women everywhere settling in for another sleepless night with their bowl of peanut butter ice cream, Cheese Whiz and their new copy of "What To Expect When You Are Expecting". I believe the purchase of this book is almost a requirement when a new baby is on the way. It's a book filled with tons of information about all aspects of pregnancy, labor, delivery, postpartum care and newborn baby stuff. At times the information is a little too much and parts of the book can be downright scary. You add your knowledge from that along with what Google can teach you and you shall spend 9 months in paralyzing fear of a twitch that doesn't seem normal and you decided to look it up.

I assume because of the sale of this book was so popular, they have put out others covering infant/child issues. Once again, don't look up a bump on a child's arm and try to diagnose it using the book or Google. Your brain has enough to do without freaking out over a misdiagnosed mosquito bite. There is a book that needs to be written, as some things weren't covered.

Things To Expect When You Were Least Expecting

Chapters in this book will cover the following topics:

1. Ghostly kid cries. This is when you are working around the house or sleeping and you swear you heard your baby cry. There is no TV or radio on, but you distinctly heard a baby cry. It's possible that it is a possessed doll somewhere in your house that you haven't allowed your child to take in the bathtub to short it out yet, but it happens in doll-less houses as well.
2. Missing table spoons. This is a common complaint from moms of every age, location and every other demographic. It's not unique; you are not alone. Table spoons will disappear in the house of the young child. About every 3 months you will need to purchase new flatware. Good thing is you can now just purchase the spoons you need separately. Even the flatware departments understand this phenomenon. Don't bother trying to look for them. Trust me as someone who has bought no less than 15 sets of spares in the past 4 years, they are gone. Nothing to recover. (This phenomenon also affects baby/toddler socks. Random disappearances)
   
3. Parental speech patterns. Once you become a parent your speech changes. This is difficult to rid yourself of and quite annoying at those dinner parties that your husband has made you attend or any other social event for adults only. You will find yourself announcing your every move out loud and speaking in third party. "Mommy is going to the drink station", "Mommy zipped her dress all by herself" "Mommy will be nice and not yell at that nice man that daddy works with" "Mommy knows you are always nice to others and you never push or bite"
4. Forgetting the names of those who matter. This is especially true if you have more than one child. You won't remember anyone's name that you meet, but you can list off every character in Yo Gabba Gabba, Thomas the Train or Dora. If you have more than one child, you have a tendency to say everyone's name in the house (including pets) as fast as you can until the child you are talking to recognizes their name and responds.
5. Kids are weird. No matter how smart Suzy is or how well behaved Johnny is; you can bet your buttons that there are times that they are just plain weird. It's those moments that you cock your head like a dog with a silent whistle and just observe the weirdness. You will self talk about "Is this normal?" You will probably google it and hopefully it led you here to my blog. No doubt about it, kids do some really messed up stuff. It's all part of learning, exploring and entertaining us (which is why we have kids anyways, right?)

What were you not expecting?

Little White Lies

I was reading the new Real Simple Family magazine that came today and found the most hilarious article with reader submissions about what little white lies do you tell your children.

Even though we try to teach our children the importance of honesty, we all have probably slipped out a little white lie in favor of the truth.

Little white lies that I have told:

No, Dora the Explorer does not come on today so we will go outside and play.

You don't want those white cookies, they taste yucky. (actually they are mommy's favorite that she doesn't want to share)

If you pee in the pool it will set off an alarm and everyone will know.

I have a teleconference with Santa today to go over how you are doing this year.

So what little white lie have you told their children?

Power Over Fear

With young children and sometimes some adults; fear is blinding and crippling. Often times the fear of something is so extreme that explaining what is feared is impossible. In parenting, I believe in giving my daughters the ability to not just confront their fear but to have power over it.

Buzz and Belly are terrified of bugs. Despite it being a bee, ant or butterfly, the fear is there and it is intense. Yesterday we were doing some cleaning and Buzz caught sight of a beetle. While I agree that beetles are one of the more unattractive of the bugs with their shell backs, beady eyes and creepy bug legs; I know that they are harmless. Buzz doesn't agree with the last assessment.

She began screaming hysterically. The Head Crayon thought it was best to just tell her to get over it. The tears and hysterics only increased. While The Head Crayon was correct to tell her to let her fear go because there was nothing to be afraid of; it didn't stop her fear or reaction to fear. Fathers are afflicted with the male syndrome of just stopping the issue at all costs. Mothers have the woman syndrome of analyzing, discussing, obsessing, exposing and discussing some more when faced with an issue.

There are two ways to conquer a fear. Facing it head on with knowledge or having power to control the thing that you fear. Since getting out the encyclopedia and researching insects with Buzz was out of the question, I chose to give her power.

I found an empty spray bottle and without her knowledge filled it with water. I then presented the bottle to her and proclaimed it to be "Bug Spray." Buzz was now armed with a power over what she feared. The screams and tears stopped promptly as she began squirting her bug spray in the general direction of where she saw the beetle. Although the fear remained in a small form, she was able to control it and her reaction to the fear. Instead of being reactive, she was being proactive.

In what ways do you help your child with fear?
What are some ways that you have conquered fear in yourself?

Happiness 101

Many, many moons ago and before there were children; I would get the morning newspaper and sit down and check out what was "news". Most times the first dozen pages were so depressing, I would flip to the funnies and the Hints from Heloise (Honestly I would rather learn the 200 ways to clean things with toothpaste than to see how many morons tried to hold up a bank with a water pistol and a demand letter full of typos) These days I hit the front pages of different news sources for my morning news. I still end up looking up toothpaste remedies and funny cartoons because of the negative news that streams in.Imagine my surprise when on the front page of MSN there is an article about happiness. The article is about different ways that we can learn happiness from children. Not all of the time, but more often than I care to admit; I find my children teaching me more about what OTC meds work best on a migraine. Also, focusing on the laughter as joy and not ear piercing squeals that make the dog consider chewing his own ears off.
Some of the "lessons" that really stuck out to me were...

• Choose your mood - The story represented talks about how a preschooler is learning about moods and asks her mother all the time "mad?" "happy?" One day when the mother was mad and the preschooler asked her about it, the mother said she was happy. She chose her mood. We get to pick our moods!!! We don't have to resign ourselves to being in a negative mood. Our mood is not set in stone.

• Go on impulse - The story talks about a 2 year old who in the middle of "helping" fold laundry breaks into dancing. How often do we hold ourselves back from simple pleasures. No, I am not talking about deciding to spend your life savings on an impulse buy of Dr. Scholl's Gel Liners or Lottery Tickets. I talking about dancing in the rain, having a picnic in the yard, watching the clouds for shapes of bunnies in boats. We need to dance while doing laundry more often!

• Savor joy while it lasts -This kind of goes with the one above. "Don't cling to moments of perfect joy, just relish them and have faith that more will come." I love this quote from the actual article.

I urge you to read the article as it has many different lessons than the ones I highlighted. There are so many things that we can learn from our kids...not just how to make the perfect spitwad (which can be highly useful)...but how to derive happiness from the simple things and enjoy the moment while it is here.

*images are courtesy of Google images

On Star

Recently I had heard a radio ad for On Star. They were talking about how the On Star system can not only be used to report traffic accidents, unlock your doors, locate your car; but now can be used to "diminish power" in case your car is stolen.

I have one question for On Star....

Can I get one of those for my kids? I mean, seriously...how cool would it be to have On Star helping you through the day as a mom?

• Traffic accidents - Scribbler #1 & #2 get into a collision of fists. On Star would be able to notify me and tell me who was at fault by determining the first point of impact.
• Unlock your doors - I could contact On Star to open the child's mouth when it is time to take medicine or open the "emissions" system on cue to assist with potty training.
• Locate your car - While shopping in an overly crowded clothing store, On Star would be able to tell me that Scribbler #1 is hiding inside the carousel of flowery print shirts.
• Diminish Power - Oh My Goodness, this would be the selling point for me. When the Scribblers are bouncing off the walls like popcorn popping, running full tilt through the kitchen, screeching at the top of their lungs and throwing things at the back of my head...I could pick up the phone and contact On Star and ask them to diminish power. The Scribblers upon activation would slowly come to a halt and the sound level would begin to decrease.

Dear On Star,
Would you please get your design department on this immediately?

Speech Delay and The Late Talker

Do you know what a "dee-dee" is?

Well, I do, thanks to my late talking 4 year old. Do you think your child may have a speech delay? I am not talking about the mother of a 8 month old who is listening to all of her friends at a forum list off 80 new words that their 8 month old is saying along with being able to completely recite The Bill of Rights. I am talking about a much older child who should be talking using words and small sentences.

There are many reasons for a speech delay (please check with your pediatrician if you suspect a speech delay so that they can help you determine which one) Autism, hearing loss, something did not form quite right with the tongue...many reasons! But sometimes there is no reason, other than the words just don't seem to travel correctly from brain to mouth. The child seems to be exceptionally bright, there are just no words. They understand a huge vocabulary from you, just no words of their own.

With Buzz, I noticed it around the 12 month mark. She should have been saying a few words, but it was nothing but garble. I thought perhaps she was just so focused on her physical development that perhaps the words would come soon. By 18 months, I knew we had a problem. Not only was she not saying any words, but her behavior began to go downhill. She became extremely agitated at not being able to communicate her wants, needs and fears. We struggled (I took a lot of Advil) and cried together at not being able to understand what she desperately needed to say.  How I longed to hear her say the words "Momma" and "I love you" We took her to get her hearing checked and there were several different diagnosis from that, but basically nothing was wrong. I had her evaluated by the Early Intervention people, but they wanted to label her as Autistic. After reading and researching, I knew she wasn't autistic. So I scoured the internet for a solution. I came across The Einstein Syndrome by Thomas Sowell.

I looked on the internet and found where the research for this book had taken place and noticed that it was at a University in my town. I called the names credited in the back of the book and finally got an appointment with a speech therapist. After one session with her (and finally someone not telling me she was autistic) I figured out what we were doing wrong and how to correct it. I began paying close attention to her body language that was accompanied by her words and slowly began to decipher her jargon. We relied heavily on pictures and interactive television. Buzz is more of a creative thinker and simple repetition with flash cards was not going to work.

Now at 4 years old, Buzz still has a speech delay and I constantly play the interpreter when she is in a social situation. The greatest improvement that I have noticed is her confidence and patience. I know that the research that I have done and the work we did together has helped her gain this. I know that when she enters school, she will still be behind somewhat; but I know she has the mental skills to help her deal with this. We know she will catch up and as I see her show off new words like "happy" we are getting there. There are days that are frustrating when she wants something and I can't understand her, but she has the patience of Job and knows if she just keeps trying we will figure out the word together.

The biggest thing that I have taken away from all of this is to never let someone label your child. Don't let someone (even if they have all the diplomas on the wall) tell you that your child can't/won't/or will ever do something. Be your child's advocate and #1 fan. Trust in what your heart tells you and BELIEVE in your child, no matter what the disability might be. I have learned that her frustration was not a child acting out, but a pathway to learning. I may be teaching her words, but she is teaching me patience and how to be a better mother.

I had to wait until she was almost 3 1/2 before I ever heard "wuv you too" but it wasn't too late. Not late at all.

And The Tears Fall

Tonight the tears fell.

I could blame it on hormones (cause yeah...they are seriously whacked! Can you say snot bubbling cry at an ASPCA commercial) but I think it was just because I am a mom.

A mom who was not needed. At all. "I do it myself, thank you very much"

Buzz wanted a peanut butter sandwich and she wanted to do it by herself. Seriously, the child who will not sleep in her room because of the psychotic bunny who lives under her bed that is dead set on nibbling her toes, wanted to do this all by herself.

She pulled a chair up to the counter to retrieve all needed items.

I fretted she would fall off the chair.

She unscrewed the jar lid and pulled out two pieces of bread.

I figured she would forget what items she would need.

She picked out a knife to spread the peanut butter.

I put back the steak knife after a mild stroke and handed her the plastic spreader.

After 20 painstaking minutes, she was done spreading the sandwich and getting it reassembled.

I hovered (lip quivering) waiting to be asked to do something.

She never asked. Not once.

The tears fell.

It is amazing to me how fast they go from needing your every minute, to all of a sudden..."I do it myself" It is both heart breaking and a moment of pride when you realize that time is now. They can spread their own peanut butter, put on their own seat belt, tie their shoes and use the potty (with privacy PLEASE)

Of course she still can't sleep in her own bed. God bless the rabbit who keeps her needing me just a little bit longer.

Note To Potty Training Child

Dear Potty Training Child,

At some point, you might want to sever the tether!

Wordless Wednesday

(yeah I know...2 posts in one day. So much for Wednesday being Wordless...)

Please write 5 times....

The Ten Demandments

The Ten Demandments
...of a 4 year old...

I. Thou shalt not conceive any children other than me. (Any other children means I will have to share my precious purple horse and my blue ball which is totally unacceptable.)
II. Thou shalt never expect me to eat anything that is not portable. (Any other foods such as casseroles, will be considered direct violation of this Demandment and will go nicely with the wall paint you chose.)
III. Thou shalt never take me into any type of store without the intention of buying me what I want. (Ever seen a child rolling and screaming down an aisle, just wait...you will.)
IV. Thou shalt never put yourself before my needs. (You haven't had a bath in a week or eaten anything besides cold mashed potatoes...simply not my problem)
V. Thou shalt never summarize my favorite bedtime story. (I don't care if we all know that the fluffy bunny found his way home through the dark woods, I need to be reassured it ends the same way.)
VI. Thou shalt never turn off a cartoon that I may be watching. (I don't care if I am in the next room and have been for 2 hours; I like to keep my options open.)
VII. Thou shalt never be out of my sight for more than 45 seconds. (I don't care if you do need to go to the bathroom, if I can crouch behind the couch for privacy; so can you. Don't ever shut the bathroom door again or I will use the Sharpie one more time on the furniture.)
VIII. Thou shalt never take me into a stranger's house and expect me to not touch the delicate glass poodle figurines. (Really?!? You are asking way too much. Just bring a blank check and a DustBuster. We'll all be better off.)
IX. Thou shalt never expect me to perform any feat or trick in front of anyone but you. (Trust me, I will make you look like a lying fool)
X. Thou shalt, above all else, love me as I love you (With blind trust, forgiveness of your failings...except for that whole soup was too hot incident; you are going to live with that one...unfailing and perfect)

Painting A Thousand Words

Do you remember when I was talking about a certain sassy somebody? Well, it a picture can paint a thousand words, the one above is a book thicker than “Queen of Crime” (Which if you are interested broke the World Record for the thickest book with a whoppin' 4032 pages. I know some doctor waiting rooms I could have finished that in with no problem while waiting.)

Back to the picture. (Side tracking is my specialty)

My sister brought them a bunch of dress up clothes yesterday when she came to help me paint. Since that moment, I have a had a fairy/bride/princess who wields her scepter with as much skill as she wields her tongue.

Did I mention she is S.A.S.S.Y?

I really don't know where she got it from. (Mom, you are not allowed to make a comment here that may be considered defamation of character)

Anyways, I just had to share that picture with you, so you have a good picture of what I am dealing with here.

You Make Me Want To Shout!

Well..............
You know you make me want to SHOUT!
Pull my hair out and SHOUT!
Stomp my feet now and SHOUT!
Put a pillow over my mouth and SHOUT!
Come on now GET OUT!
Please quit sassing me with that mouth!
Don't tell me "NO" or I am going to SHOUT!

Got you singing didn't I? Not me...I am trying not to SHOUT!



It's a phase right? Tell me, swear to me, promise me, convince me this is a phase.

The sweet little girl with a sassy mouth is just a phase. I will repeat that to myself until I believe it. (Much like I have finally convinced myself that Reese's Cups are the perfect source for protein, iron and dairy)

Phases. Boy, we have seen a lot of them in this short 3 years and 10 months of raising two children.

• The strange eating phase. Brown foods only - peanut butter, chicken, etc. The love of pepperoni and peanut butter sandwiches. The no food can touch thing. Eating the dog food like it's gourmet (that one did my confidence some good) Drink only out of a green cup.
• I am a dog phase - Once again, eating dog food (At least they have shiny hair and a healthy digestive tract) panting, barking, scratching and the licking...eww, the licking. Did I mention the chihuahua like barking that was NON-STOP! Have I ever mentioned that Buzz has had a piece of twine hanging from the back of her panties for 4 months now? Yeah, I don't like to talk about it much.
  
• The clothing phases - Does anyone remember the pink dress incident from my old blog? (You can find it here)
• Random strangeness - The oldest won't sleep in her room for fear that the bunny who lives under the bed will nibble her toes off while she sleeps (Huh?) The youngest is obsessed with wearing panties on her head (and nothing else) WonderPets wonderment (What's it gonna take...TEAMWORK) Barney (Thank heaven we are over that one already) The youngest likes to hear the sound of herself gagging and does it frequently. The oldest must have two handfuls of toilet paper when doing "The Deed." One she uses for "Down Under" and the other is used to cover her nose. (I can appreciate that)

So, what phase just makes you want to SHOUT?

Someone Tried To Poison My Kids - Kinda

We have all heard the rumors about Halloween candy being passed out with razor blades in it. You never really think that something like that might happen, but it is always in the back of your mind.

Halloween for us started off busy. Trying to do a little packing, some painting, The Man had to go buy a new car and getting ready to Trick or Treat. So as I scurried around trying to get things done, I got a little sloppy and spilled paint on my kitchen cabinets. Not having time to go to the store and pick up some Goof Off, I called family. My mom ended up having some and told me that she would pour me some in a bottle and give it to me that night when we saw her.

Hours passed and it was finally time to go. I dropped The Man off at the car lot and proceeded to go to my sister's house for the Trick or Treating. It was then that I realized that I had forgotten the kids' pumpkins for their loot. I tried to go back home, but realized that I had given The Man the garage door opener and therefore, couldn't get in the house. I called my sister and she had a couple of extras so we just went on.

My brain was fried by this time, retaining no knowledge of any previous conversations.

Got to my sister's and visited for a little bit before we went to gather loads of candy. My mother had brought a bag for me with coupons and such in it. I didn't look in it at the time. After the candy gathering, I gave my sister her bags back and dumped all the kids' candy in the bag my mother had brought for me.

Do you remember that my mom was bringing me Goof Off? I didn't.

Fast forward until today. I finally got out a big glass bowl to dump all the candy in. In dumping the candy, I noticed this bottle with something in it...I thought at first it was bubbles or something, but the color was wrong. My heart began to pound as I opened the top and sniffed it. Definitely a chemical of some kind. My mind flashed to the razor blade scenario. Would it be inconceivable for someone sick and twisted to put a liquid in a candy bag for a child to drink? Nope, not in my mind.

I screamed to my husband to come look at it. I then launched into my plan. I would put it in a plastic bag to preserve whatever fingerprints may be on it. I would then go look at the map and have all the street names of where we had visited that night. Then I would call the police to alert them to the situation and take my bag in to be analyzed. A news reporter would come to my house and interview me, praising me for my keen observation of this liquid. I would save countless other children who may have received this poison. The city would recognize me as a hero, I would never pay taxes again....

OK, well actually we can stop at the call police department part. I had the phone in my hand to make the call. I was sweating, crying and worrying myself sick...

...then The Man asks me if my mother ever gave me that bottle of Goof Off.

DUH.

Cooking With Little Hands In The Pot

Today is Monday which usually means another "Not Me Monday" post. As much as I love those and always have fresh fodder for them; I am skipping it this week to elaborate on a Twitter that I sent out that has raised a few questions.

Mondays is my "Cook for the week" day. The questions where...

• please elaborate on this
• how do you do this with little ones
• why do you do this
• have you always been insane

OK...so maybe that last question wasn't relevant...but maybe it was.

I learned real quick in this whole "Mommy thing" that the starting dinner at 5pm and having it on the table at 6pm gig was not going to work for my family. If you do this and have success, you probably are always dressed in the latest fashion, have perfect hair and wear pearls while serving dinner over candlelight to perfectly behaved children...I digress. Anyways, we found a system that works for us. I don't think the recipes are really what is important here, but more of the "how" do you do it.

First I take a swig of wine...scratch that one. I go to the store and buy a ton of ground meat, chicken and other assorted meats. On Monday this is what happens...

2 lbs of ground meat are seasoned for Italian food.
Half is used for making lasagna and the other half for making meatballs.
Both of these are cooked and put in the freezer.

2 lbs of ground meat are used for making out hamburger patties and stored in the freezer to be grilled as needed.

2lbs of ground meat are seasoned for Mexican food, browned and tomato sauce added. Once it is cooked down, it is split into two different freezer bag and stored in the freezer. We often make tacos, enchiladas or nachos during the week with this.

I put 2 lbs of chicken breasts on the grill (because my stove is full at this point) Using pie shells, I use 1lb pre-cooked chicken to make out chicken pot pies and freeze. The other 1lb is used either Monday night for chicken salad, grilled chicken sandwhiches or something else.

I put a small ham in the oven to cook as well. We use this during the week for sammiches or just a fried ham dinner.

That is usually what is cooked on Monday. Like I said the recipes are not important; its whatever works for your family. By doing this, I can have minimal preparation when dinner time actually comes. Throw some veggies on the stove, assemble enchiladas...whatever. Dinner time is reduced to around 30 minutes each day.

Also to reduce the amount of stress that usually occurred around dinnertime. I cook dinner at about 4pm. We don't eat at this time, but I can be assured that the children are in good moods and not starving. I then put everything in Tupperware and can reheat in a matter of moments before dinner.

The amount of time on Mondays that I am in the kitchen preparing all these things is usually about 4 hours total.

It's just what works for us. If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to ask.

And yes, I have always been a little insane but medication never really worked.

Articles Written By Moms For Moms

If I was ever approached to write for a magazine (because you know they are just camped in tents drinking cold coffee outside my front porch) there are several series I would write regarding things I have learned from being a mom.

Series One:

1. Potty training by using the "nude" or "no diaper" method.
2. How to use basic household cleaners to properly clean carpet.
3. How to hire a professional carpet cleaning service.
4. How to hire a carpet installation service.

Series Two:

1. Entertaining a toddler without resorting to television.
2. Entertaining multiple children without resorting to television.
3. Embracing childhood programming and keeping your sanity.

Series 3:

1. Surviving a week of toddler tantrums.
2. 2009's Best Wine Guide.

Series 4:

1. Girl Names of 2005
2. Girl Names of 2007
3. Natural Gender Planning.
4. Life with three daughters.
5. Future financial planning for weddings.
6. The art of the "Shotgun Wedding"

Series 5:

1. 101 Top Toys of Christmas 2009
2. Buying toys during a down economy.
3. How to create toys using string, paint and empty paper towel rolls
4. How to teach children about disappointment and being grateful.

What articles could you write?