I Will Be Stout

I stared at a line.

A simple black slash on a crisp piece of white paper.

I looked at my husband's signature scrawled confidently on the line next to mine. He hadn't paused. No reservations. Confident as always.

My line was empty. I needed a moment.

I would sign my name. I would be stout. I needed a moment though.

A moment to grieve.

A moment to hope.

I didn't have to look up to notice the pause. Even though I was not stout, I signed.

The contractor whisked the paperwork out from under my hovered pen and shuffled it in the rest. I would take my moment later. I always take my moments later. Chatter began about getting permits and when we could expect the first drop of concrete to be poured. The wheels were finally in motion to build the in-law suite. From now on there will always need to be seven plates prepared for dinner. Doctor appointments will reside on the calendar next to play dates. The whirr of a oxygen machine will keep time with sounds of a cartoon. I will hold my daughter's hand as she walks into her first day of Kindergarten just as I will hold my in-laws hands as they face surgery or a confused moment.

This is a journey in life.

We are always on a path towards the end. This is where two separate paths will converge. We will be on this path together now.

Those lines on that piece of paper are weighted down by our signatures now. The responsibility is now on us.

I will be stout.

I will still need a moment.

*I also wrote here about this for Studio 30 Plus Magazine

Two Queens Make A Full House

When a woman sets up house and takes on the roll of "homemaker", there is a certain amount of pride in being the "Queen of her castle" What happens though when you begin to take on the roll of caregiver to either your parents, inlaws or another family member that contains another female member?

Two Queens make a full house.While being the caregiver to my in-laws, I have learned that two queens in the castle makes for a difficult adjustment for all that are involved. The older Queen and the younger queen have to make allowances for each other and boundaries must be set. While it is frustrating for the younger Queen to have to accept another Queen in what used to be only her castle, the older Queen is mourning the loss of the freedoms that her older castle used to offer. The older Queen has to put aside everything that she worked so hard for and conform to the younger Queen's rules of the kingdom.

All the royalty talk aside...it is rough to blend the homes and everyone to be happy. I think that is where I have struggled the most is a longing for how things used to be and feeling like my kingdom was not mine anymore. I am really working on trying to discover a new kind of normal and to have reasonable expectations for our future. I want my mother-in-law to feel comfortable, happy and safe with us, but at the same time having to establish boundaries while saving feelings.

In many areas I have been trying to learn to just back off and let the small battles fall to the wayside. If she has made a certain dish a certain way for the past 50 years and wants to correct me (even though mine is perfect) I need to step aside and let her correct me. This gives her a great deal of respect and encourages her to continue to be useful. At the same time, just because she disciplined her children a certain way, she is not allowed to discipline mine or contradict anything I have said.

So we have two Queens in our castle now and I am learning that it doesn't have to be a full house, nor a loss of a kingdom. I am learning to share and appreciate the wisdom that she has to offer. I am learning to pick my battles because all that really matters is that there is love in the home (no matter how much garlic is supposed to go into pizza sauce)

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Care giving for elderly is becoming more prevalent in America today. Whether because of rising health care rates or the desire of the family to do "Home Instead" care, care giving is becoming the norm. Care giving is basically where you take an adult who is beginning to have the needs of a child and continue to treat them like an adult with love and respect. It is demanding on the family as a whole, but can be a blessing for all who are involved.

I watched the later years of my own grandmother as my sister and mother took over as her caregivers. Continually shuttling her to doctor's appointments, monitoring medications and tending to her fragile, childlike emotions as Alzheimer's began to overtake her mind. Even after she had to live in an Alzheimer's care facility, my mother was still a caregiver. Making sure she had the clothes she needed, checking with her nurses concerning her care, taking her to her doctor's appointments and being there when sometimes only a familiar face was needed. The only way to reasonable success was a strong family support system for the caregivers. Watching the deterioration of a loved one's mind and body can be shattering to the family. The demands of taking care of an elderly person are similar to that of a small child with the constant attention and supervision.

When it became time for my husband and I to assume a caregiver role with his parents, we did not go into it with blind optimism. We knew from my family the demands that we would have to rise to. In less than a year, my father-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and my mother-in-law was diagnosed with heart disease, eye problems and lung problems. Both were affected to the point that they had to reach out for outside help and we were the only ones in the extended family that had the ability to provide what they needed without having to enter Assisted Living.

When we began, I reached out to my family and to forums to begin a support system. I knew that having a support system was vital for our family to be healthy enough to provide for them. I described above what care giving meant to me, about an adult needing child-like supervision. It's a huge change for everyone in the house and it can be frustrating for all parties. Your elderly loved one is frustrated at not being able to do the things that they once did and can become "shut-ins" within their own mind and within their house. Your family becomes frustrated at the new demands of another family member that needs constant attention.

Although your relationship has been changed with your elderly loved one as you assume the role of caregiver, there are still way to connect in familiar ways. For instance, before my grandmother's health and mind began to deteriorate she loved playing cards with the family and won most of the time. Even in her last months of life, when her mind was feeble and incapable of remembering where to go to eat dinner; cards were still a constant and she still won sometimes. Playing cards helped to keep her mind active and enabled the family to feel the relationship was still familiar. My grandmother also loved dogs and kept one until her mental health could no longer keep up with the demands. She frequently asked about her dog and missed him. Just days before her death, my sister found some puppies and took one to my grandmother to hold for a while. The peace on her face as she held that puppy for hours was indescribable according to my sister. It was providing her with something familiar that she loved. In our current situation, My Father-in-Law loves word puzzles and can do them all day long. Even though he is unable to do a lot of things he once loved, he is able to continue doing the puzzles. I believe that finding something that is familiar and reminds you and your loved one of who they "used to be" is vital for everyone's emotions.

Care giving can be such a blessing though and through all that I have said, should not be interpreted as negative. Your family is drawn closer together in this time of crisis and your elderly loved one is secure in the fact that their needs and best interests are being taken care of by someone that they trust and love. This type of care and trust is just not possible through Assisted Living where they become just one of many and often times are overlooked unless the need is extreme. If you begin care giving when you have young children in the house, they learn the importance of family, loyalty and commitment. As my own family begins its care giving journey, we walk to it knowing that we are providing for those that provided for us and feel like its the least we can do to show our love and appreciation.