I Will Be Stout

I stared at a line.

A simple black slash on a crisp piece of white paper.

I looked at my husband's signature scrawled confidently on the line next to mine. He hadn't paused. No reservations. Confident as always.

My line was empty. I needed a moment.

I would sign my name. I would be stout. I needed a moment though.

A moment to grieve.

A moment to hope.

I didn't have to look up to notice the pause. Even though I was not stout, I signed.

The contractor whisked the paperwork out from under my hovered pen and shuffled it in the rest. I would take my moment later. I always take my moments later. Chatter began about getting permits and when we could expect the first drop of concrete to be poured. The wheels were finally in motion to build the in-law suite. From now on there will always need to be seven plates prepared for dinner. Doctor appointments will reside on the calendar next to play dates. The whirr of a oxygen machine will keep time with sounds of a cartoon. I will hold my daughter's hand as she walks into her first day of Kindergarten just as I will hold my in-laws hands as they face surgery or a confused moment.

This is a journey in life.

We are always on a path towards the end. This is where two separate paths will converge. We will be on this path together now.

Those lines on that piece of paper are weighted down by our signatures now. The responsibility is now on us.

I will be stout.

I will still need a moment.

*I also wrote here about this for Studio 30 Plus Magazine

Two Queens Make A Full House

When a woman sets up house and takes on the roll of "homemaker", there is a certain amount of pride in being the "Queen of her castle" What happens though when you begin to take on the roll of caregiver to either your parents, inlaws or another family member that contains another female member?

Two Queens make a full house.While being the caregiver to my in-laws, I have learned that two queens in the castle makes for a difficult adjustment for all that are involved. The older Queen and the younger queen have to make allowances for each other and boundaries must be set. While it is frustrating for the younger Queen to have to accept another Queen in what used to be only her castle, the older Queen is mourning the loss of the freedoms that her older castle used to offer. The older Queen has to put aside everything that she worked so hard for and conform to the younger Queen's rules of the kingdom.

All the royalty talk aside...it is rough to blend the homes and everyone to be happy. I think that is where I have struggled the most is a longing for how things used to be and feeling like my kingdom was not mine anymore. I am really working on trying to discover a new kind of normal and to have reasonable expectations for our future. I want my mother-in-law to feel comfortable, happy and safe with us, but at the same time having to establish boundaries while saving feelings.

In many areas I have been trying to learn to just back off and let the small battles fall to the wayside. If she has made a certain dish a certain way for the past 50 years and wants to correct me (even though mine is perfect) I need to step aside and let her correct me. This gives her a great deal of respect and encourages her to continue to be useful. At the same time, just because she disciplined her children a certain way, she is not allowed to discipline mine or contradict anything I have said.

So we have two Queens in our castle now and I am learning that it doesn't have to be a full house, nor a loss of a kingdom. I am learning to share and appreciate the wisdom that she has to offer. I am learning to pick my battles because all that really matters is that there is love in the home (no matter how much garlic is supposed to go into pizza sauce)

Home Instead Senior Care/ BlogHer Share Your Story

This is sponsored content from BlogHer and Home Instead Senior Care.

For more stories on Caregiving and what it means, please click HERE. There is also a place to nominate your "caregiver hero" to win a cruise HERE!!

For more information on "Home Instead Senior Care" click HERE.

Care giving for elderly is becoming more prevalent in America today. Whether because of rising health care rates or the desire of the family to do "Home Instead" care, care giving is becoming the norm. Care giving is basically where you take an adult who is beginning to have the needs of a child and continue to treat them like an adult with love and respect. It is demanding on the family as a whole, but can be a blessing for all who are involved.

I watched the later years of my own grandmother as my sister and mother took over as her caregivers. Continually shuttling her to doctor's appointments, monitoring medications and tending to her fragile, childlike emotions as Alzheimer's began to overtake her mind. Even after she had to live in an Alzheimer's care facility, my mother was still a caregiver. Making sure she had the clothes she needed, checking with her nurses concerning her care, taking her to her doctor's appointments and being there when sometimes only a familiar face was needed. The only way to reasonable success was a strong family support system for the caregivers. Watching the deterioration of a loved one's mind and body can be shattering to the family. The demands of taking care of an elderly person are similar to that of a small child with the constant attention and supervision.

When it became time for my husband and I to assume a caregiver role with his parents, we did not go into it with blind optimism. We knew from my family the demands that we would have to rise to. In less than a year, my father-in-law was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and my mother-in-law was diagnosed with heart disease, eye problems and lung problems. Both were affected to the point that they had to reach out for outside help and we were the only ones in the extended family that had the ability to provide what they needed without having to enter Assisted Living.

When we began, I reached out to my family and to forums to begin a support system. I knew that having a support system was vital for our family to be healthy enough to provide for them. I described above what care giving meant to me, about an adult needing child-like supervision. It's a huge change for everyone in the house and it can be frustrating for all parties. Your elderly loved one is frustrated at not being able to do the things that they once did and can become "shut-ins" within their own mind and within their house. Your family becomes frustrated at the new demands of another family member that needs constant attention.

Although your relationship has been changed with your elderly loved one as you assume the role of caregiver, there are still way to connect in familiar ways. For instance, before my grandmother's health and mind began to deteriorate she loved playing cards with the family and won most of the time. Even in her last months of life, when her mind was feeble and incapable of remembering where to go to eat dinner; cards were still a constant and she still won sometimes. Playing cards helped to keep her mind active and enabled the family to feel the relationship was still familiar. My grandmother also loved dogs and kept one until her mental health could no longer keep up with the demands. She frequently asked about her dog and missed him. Just days before her death, my sister found some puppies and took one to my grandmother to hold for a while. The peace on her face as she held that puppy for hours was indescribable according to my sister. It was providing her with something familiar that she loved. In our current situation, My Father-in-Law loves word puzzles and can do them all day long. Even though he is unable to do a lot of things he once loved, he is able to continue doing the puzzles. I believe that finding something that is familiar and reminds you and your loved one of who they "used to be" is vital for everyone's emotions.

Care giving can be such a blessing though and through all that I have said, should not be interpreted as negative. Your family is drawn closer together in this time of crisis and your elderly loved one is secure in the fact that their needs and best interests are being taken care of by someone that they trust and love. This type of care and trust is just not possible through Assisted Living where they become just one of many and often times are overlooked unless the need is extreme. If you begin care giving when you have young children in the house, they learn the importance of family, loyalty and commitment. As my own family begins its care giving journey, we walk to it knowing that we are providing for those that provided for us and feel like its the least we can do to show our love and appreciation.

Missing Dad - Dealing With Alzheimer's

Nervously pacing the floor.
Watching the clock and adding up the hours, minutes and seconds.
Calling family members to aid in a search.
Wondering when do we ask the police to search.
Driving the streets, looking in parking lots.
Fearing the worse.
Praying for the best.

Sounds like the typical scene for when a child runs away, right?

What do you do when it is not your child, but your elderly parent with Alzheimers?

You do the same things, but now it is taken to a whole new playing field. Unlike with a child roaming the streets; the elderly parent sometimes still has a driver's license and no one notices an elderly person unless they are streaking naked and babbling incoherently.

Last night, my mother-in-law sent my father-in-law to pick up some chicken for dinner at a store that is only about 10 miles away that he has driven to countless times. After about 2 hours, she called me to let me know that he hadn't returned. (I have strong feeling concerning how long it took her to call me, but that's not really important) My husband immediately took off to go look for his dad, even making the comment "Well, when I ran away from home or was late; he looked for me."

He drove the streets near his parents house and finally found father in law's car still sitting in the driveway (at this point their house has sold and they are there supervising the packing and moving. Of course, if you can't supervise yourself, then maybe...um yeah.) He finally found out that his father had indeed left to go get the chicken, but then became confused as to where he was, drove around for several hours and finally found home.

My mother in law tried to cover for the "forgetfulness" by saying he had thought the chicken place was on another main street, so it was no big deal. I am not sure, but I feel as though her not acknowledging him having Alzheimer's is a way of not accepting her own demons she is facing in her later years. He could remember that he was lost, but still seemed a little "disoriented about where this chicken place actually was located. You might think this is no big deal; as people forget locations all the time, but we are talking about a small town that they have lived in for over thirty years. When she tried to prove his memory was still good by asking him the locations of other places, he passed with flying colors. She seemed to think that this proved it was an honest mistake and not his Alzheimer's getting worse to the point he needs to have his license taken away. Having done some research into Alzheimer's, I understand that his ability to recall these places is typical. It is accessing his long term memory which will remain intact for years while still having Alzheimer's. It is the short term memory that he was relying on to drive to the location. He was in "the moment" and that is when the brain has a "short circuit glitch" He had been doing fairly well on his medication and seemed to be improving, but Alzheimer's is a progressive disease and each stage is a little more severe, yet stays subtle in its change until it is too late.

I think there comes a point when even the spouse of the one with Alzheimer's tries to dismiss it. I feel it is because when they get to the point of having to acknowledge it as becoming more severe, they have to look at their own years that they have left. They want everything to be normal and continue to live like independent adults. No longer can the spouse even be trusted, as they will ask the one with Alzheimer's to do things that they are no longer capable of; putting themselves and others in danger. Unlike someone with a physical disability, the one with Alzheimer's can't regulate their own behavior of what they are no longer capable of.

If you have or are currently around someone with Alzheimer's, what were some of the behaviors that started when you realized that they were now becoming a danger to themselves and others?

(By the way, The Head Crayon's vlog is still waiting to be done. He got called in to work Saturday and Sunday, but promises to get it done as soon as he has had some sleep.)

Losing My Mind - Geriatric Style - Alzheimers

*First a little reminder that my giveaway ends this week. Click on the crayon box titled "Giveaway" and check it out!


Sorry about that, I had to give you a reminder because around here, it seems as though nobody can remember anything. I know it comes with the territory of being elderly or "Gray" but sometimes I wonder if my own mind is going to remain intact. I am beginning to feel like I need to write down everything I say and pin it to everyone's shirt. After I have been asked for the 50th time what dinner is, you can unhook your note and read it for yourself. That would save us a lot of conversation.

Me "We are having spaghetti for dinner"
Gray (waits 5 minutes) "What are you cooking for dinner"
Me "Spaghetti"
Gray (waits 5 minutes) "The doctor said garlic and pasta are not good for me to eat" (The doctor did NOT say this)
Me (puts sauce on to cook)
Gray "That smells good, what are you cooking"
Me "Spaghetti"
Gray (waits 10 minutes) "You know what would be good to eat tonight? Spaghetti"
Me (considers the size of the pot and if it is possible to drown one's self in spaghetti sauce)
Gray (plate of spaghetti is place on the table) I didn't know we were having spaghetti...did you make garlic bread?
Me "I thought the doctor said you couldn't have garlic?"
Gray "I never said that! Garlic is wonderful for you!"

It's not just spaghetti though, it's everything that is said either by us, the kids, The Weather Channel, the doctor, etc. Like I said, I know part of it is just the territory of being a "Gray" and I do truly feel sorry for the elderly as they begin to lose their short term memory, especially when Alzheimer's begins to set it. It must be horrible when you are dealing with not being able to remember things from one minute to the next...but then again, can you remember that you can't remember what you were supposed to remember? Perhaps its a blissful state of mind where everything is fresh and new? I do know why we are always running out of toilet paper now...I mean, if you can't remember what you did 2 minutes ago.

The biggest frustration is with the BIG decisions, the things that really matter. Medical choices, financial choices and lifestyle choices. At what point do you decide that an elderly parent is no longer capable of making the best decision? How do you determine that they even understand their own choice? For instance when it is concerning the living arrangements of The Grays with us the choices change from not only day to day, but sometimes minute to minute. I feel a lot of the wishy-washy behavior of an elderly parent is due to insecurity and not wanting to be dependent on someone else. It's so frustrating as the ones who are having to consider long term to feel like we are forcing a lifestyle choice on someone who may or may not be ready. It makes you question yourself while you are questioning the elderly parent. "Do you really understand what is going on?" "Do you understand the long term implications?" "Do you  know what I said 5 minutes ago?"

For those of you out there who have dealt with this...what helped you with making decisions as a caretaker with your elderly parent? What happened that made you realize without a doubt that you needed to takeover all major decisions?

Taking Care Of Elderly Parents - Life With The Grays

As the cost of living and health care costs continue to rise, there are a growing number of the elderly finding themselves facing giving up their independence and becoming dependent on either government assisted living or living with younger family member.

Which bring us to adding a couple of Grays to our coloring box. While I don't pretend to know all the secrets of making it work or know all the answers; I know what it feels like for us.

It's tough no matter how you try to slice it. Tough for both parties.

While I am constantly told that I don't truly no how it feels, I hear The Grays talk about a lack of independence, feeling like a burden and a consuming feel of uncertainty. Uncertain about their own place in life and what that life is going to look like in 1 year, 5 years, etc. One thing they know for certain is that life, from this point on, is not going to get any better. The years have robbed them of even being an adult anymore. Once more, as a child, they must submit their freedoms to someone else. They have to be driven to where they want to go, have help with any financial, medical or personal decisions and become totally dependent on the whims of someone else. They have to hope that the person has their best interest at heart and surrender everything that they knew. They have to worry about when they become totally helpless...is anyone going to really care for them? Will they make sure they are fed? Have their medicines? Have access to medical treatments that are necessary? Are their finances going to be safe? Will someone bathe them?

As the caretaker, its just as hard. From my own experience, it is though we have added two more children to my family. While they are not at the point of total helplessness yet, I know that one day we will be there. When making the choice to become a caretaker, it is not something you jump into. While you want more than anything to be able to provide for your parents, as they provided for you; sometimes it can break a family. All parties have to be on board for the venture and everyone must know what is going to be expected of them. This includes not only the elderly parents and their child, but the spouse, children and other family members.

Since I am a stay at home mom with my own children, the bulk of the daily care falls on me. This not only includes the making of meals, shuttling to the doctor, etc. but also the daily, sometimes hourly, assurances that The Grays are wanted and are not a burden. Thankfully, The Head Crayon is the financial guru of our family and helps them deal with all of those pesky matters. The stress falls on him as well. He has to think far into the future about the cost of them living with us, medical expenses that in the future may not be covered under their insurance, etc.

Let me be real honest with you, when I imagined my life as The Crayon Wrangler, this is not what I had envisioned, but it is something that I signed up for. When we shared our wedding vows, we shared our families and our obligations. What I am doing for his parents, he would do for mine and any other family members that might need our help. It is the obligation of family. On days when I am not frustrated, I would tell you the honest truth that it is indeed a privilege to have The Grays depend on us. To know that they feel safe counting on us, speaks volumes of their love for us and their trust in us.

One of the biggest things that we are struggling with right now is boundaries and understanding. As we are moving from partial care to full time care, we are all learning what is "fair" to expect out of each other. It's a lesson in trial and error. We have a good days and we have our bad, but one thing we have decided is we will make it work. We will honor that trust that they put in us and show through our actions our love we have for them.

Do you have a elderly parent living with you? Are you dealing with Alzheimer's in a loved one? Is this something that your family is about to face? I would love to hear from you!

Going White With The Grays

This post is brought to you by my shiny new laptop that I won in a lucky hand of cards. OK...so I didn't really "win" it as I was playing against The Head Crayon (and he probably let me win) and we were using "extra" money..so I guess this whole paragraph is pointless in nature...except, ME LIKEY MY NEW LAPTOP!

So onto the original post...you still hanging with me?

Hello?

OK, so we actually got some snow.

Um yeah...that weird measurement written there is courtesy of The Head Crayon and one of his construction projects, but it is safe to say that we got about 3.5 inches with another 1 inch of ice on top.

So The Grays pretty much live with us all the time, but they do go to their own house on occasion as they are still getting it packed up and ready to move (read: when the kids finally get on their nerves) As the storm (Winter Event) got closer they decided to hunker down with us. Normally, The Head Crayon, The Scribblers, The Grays or I have somewhere we need to go within a 24 hour period. Thanks to the weather we have been breathing each others fumes for almost 48 hours. Well, I did escape briefly yesterday before the ice fell by pouring a gallon of milk down the sink and proclaiming it empty thus resulting in an emergency milk (Starbucks) run.

Perhaps I should feel guilty for being on the gray side of a white lie, but seriously...have you ever been coped up with 3 other adults, 3 small children and one dog in a 1300 square foot house?

Admit it...you would have dumped the milk too.

And probably emptied the toilet paper within an hour of being back home.

(Have I mentioned that I am loving this new laptop...so shiny...all the keys work...drool...but not on the keys. No drooling on my new keys!)

So it's been a white-out coupled with The Grays and I think I am getting some new gray myself. There is nothing like knowing you can't get out to bring out the best (hardy har har..NOT!) in people. The female Gray is obsessed with The Weather Channel. There is a 24 hour commentary on what the temp, precip, etc. droning on and on and on in the background. (Ask her what the temp is and she never knows though...odd) The male Gray has been coloring with The Scribblers and looking pretty worn down after a 19 hour coloring marathon taking breaks for coffee and catnaps (and to check out The Weather Channel)

The Head Crayon and I played some cards this morning (see first paragraph) when we finally decided to venture out to "check the roads" We ended up at the Electronics department (I think it was the lure of "doing donuts" in the parking lot that actually got him out) and picked up my shiny new prize. (Have I mentioned that I lurve it?) Like a woman with a new hairdo, he had to accessorize it. (Read: $100 speakers) I wanted the mouse pad with the puppies on it, but he showed me his Man Card and I was denied.

So I am back at home once again breathing everyone's fumes and they are predicting that we will not be properly thawed until late Monday (Read: 48 more hours of shared fume-ages) I see another milk shortage in about 4 hours.

By the way...tomorrow I will be posting details for Feb. giveaway on the giveaway tab (giveaway crayon...whatevah...it's up above all this writing) so come back tomorrow and check out the details and the prize! Get your thinking hats on and be ready!