TRDC: A Sister's Scar of Love

 

Writing Prompt: Memory and Reflection

Our memories are powerful—whether they actually happened the way we remember them isn’t as important as what we remember and why. So something I would like you to try this week is to hone in on a memory and then interrogate it. One way to incorporate more reflection in your writing is to constantly be asking yourself questions.

This is a writing exercise in two parts:

Part I

Make a list of some of your most vivid childhood (or more recent) memories. (Maybe it’s an image of your father or mother doing something they did regularly; maybe it’s a visit to a grandmother’s house.)

Jot down a few memories and then pick one and write it down in as much detail as possible. (Take 10-15 minutes to do that…)

Part II

Now I want you to investigate what this memory means to you. Ask yourself the following questions: Why has this stuck with me? What did this mean to me at the time? Why did I (or someone else in the scene) react the way I (they) did? How does it feel to look back on it? How does it still affect me (or not)? (Take 10-15 minutes to do that.)

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She stood and looked at the mark I just left on her as one thousand emotions scattered across her eyes. Her mouth worked itself into a scream and I knew I had crossed the line. My twin sister and I had been in more than a thousand fights by now, but this one had turned into something more serious. I can't tell you how old we were at this point or what we were fighting about, although I am pretty sure that she remembers. After all, she's the one that still bears the physical scar 20 plus years later.

I stood and held the hot curling iron still in my hand as the scorched smell of burnt skin filled the small bathroom upstairs at my Granny's house. I can't remember if I started apologizing or stood there defiant in my action. I do remember the sinking feel that I had just caused her an unjust amount of pain and I felt sick at what I had done. I was also very aware of not just the amount of pain she was in but the unique position of power she held over me. I had been warned and punished numerous times for my hot temper. I had been told that I took things too far, but in my defense I rarely started any of the fights we had. I did end them though, by whatever means necessary.

The moment was on top of us now. The moment that silent scream was going to find its voice and my Granny's wrath and disappointment would color our short visit with her. My sister had to have known that the minute she screamed and pointed the finger at me I would be in a deeper trouble than I had ever seen. I looked at her and suddenly realized as our Granny loomed over us that she had been screaming. Somehow as fear had begun to run through my veins, I had become deaf to the cries that had already begun. Granny's eyes flew wide as she examined the burn that was the same length of the curling iron and thankfully I had already put the weapon down so there was no immediate smoking gun to alert her of my guilty role. As she herded us up to take us down to the drugstore immediately for some salve, it began to soak in that my sister had said it was an accident. She never pointed the finger at me that I deserved.

One the car ride to the drugstore Granny worried and fretted over the injury, my sister cried with the pain and I sat in numbed silence.

Why had she not pointed me out? 

Was she just waiting until my parents arrived to pick us up and then let the guillotine fall upon my shameful, guilty head? 

What was her angle? 

It was at that moment that she turned around and delivered a slight, sympathetic smile to me. We were never those types of twins that you hear about that share feelings or could read minds, but that whisper of a smile told me that she was not going to rat me out. She forgave me and was going to keep my evil deed a secret. She forgave me. I hadn't asked for it and I didn't deserve it.

20 something years later and we have since told my parents what really happened. They learned of the fight that caused the scar the way that adult children reveal truths to their parents in a laugh about it being the past. I'm sure my parents were horrified, but it is the past. We fought many times since that day and we still get into arguments, but that day I learned of a true sister's love and forgiveness. She knew the "pain" that I would have received for such a horrendous action against her and she choose to shield me from it. She choose to carry the pain and suffering by herself.

I can't tell you that moment changed our relationship forever, but every time we are together these days and I catch a glimpse of that scar I am reminded. I am reminded that sometimes no matter how bad it hurts that there are those people in our lives that we love so much that we are willing to suffer for them. We bear the burden of their pain and shield them. We discern that they deserve a touch that is severe and we muster up a small smile that tells them that they are forgiven based only on the love we share. My sister has a scar that was created from my anger, but is more of a symbol of a sister's love.

30 Days Of Truth - Day 4

*Big Oopsie - Yesterday I announced the Living Social Live Chat was that night. It is actually TONIGHT at 8EST and I am a big doodoo head.

Also in addition to that sweet Southern Belle I introduced you to yesterday...her boyfriend got on the blogging bandwagon. This duo is hilarious together and I am thrilled to get to follow both of their lives! J.R. is aiming to become an elementary school teacher to 2nd graders and you can read about him HERE 

Day 4 - Something you have to forgive someone for.

From the wording here I am assuming that I have to write more about the "something" than the "someone" *Whew* Glad I wasn't going to have to call out names or anything.

The "Something" that I have to forgive that someone(s) are doing is: Assumption

I can't stand for someone to assume anything about me. If you spent half the time it took to assume "xy" about me actually talking to me about "xy" then we may have gotten somewhere. When you assume "xy" about me and let your actions reflect your belief then you haven't even given me a chance.

I am pretty open and direct on my feelings, etc. I have no problem at all telling you if you did something to irritate me, shun me, etc. If I haven't told you this; then it hasn't happened. End of story. I am not one to merely fade into the background nursing some kind of grudge. I would rather confront the issue at hand and lets solve is together.

So if you are reading this and you have made an assumption about a certain way I think of something without asking me and it has affected our relationship; I forgive you. Chances are I don't even know this assumption you have made about me (since I am not a mind reader or anything) and all I know is that our relationship is strained. Let's talk about it, mm'kay?

Fighting Fair In Marriage & Adult Relationships

We have all been there, an argument with our spouse or someone we care about. If you haven't ever had an argument with someone (or think you haven't) you may have other issues...Fighting is never fun, but it is sometimes a necessary part of any relationship and can be useful to resolve a conflict and deepen the relationship. The key to fighting is to do it with fairness. Here are some tips to help you resolve the conflict. (These are not to be used with the sinister person in the alley...in that case; grab your mace and run like the wind!)

1. Wait until they are asleep and pluck out all their eyebrows or write the word "Jerk" in Sharpie on their forehead...ok not really, but sometimes the thought of that makes us feel better, right?
2. Go To Time Out - When tempers are high, this is the time that saying things that we don't mean just spill right out. While in anger mode; it may seem like a good idea to bring up that present you never liked or someone's love handles but it is just a defense mechanism in response to feeling "attacked" Take yourself to time-out until the anger reaction subsides. On the same note, don't wait too long to address the issues. "Time heals all wounds" is not the operative phrase here. Often time causes the anger to just continue to burn and flare up.
3. Say Exactly What Is Making You Angry - If The Man doesn't take out the trash when you ask or Mom never tells you she appreciates the casserole that you bring to every dinner when you have worked your heart out. Tell them that. They may have no idea that those actions upset you. In fact, it could be just a misunderstanding and easily resolved without going to the "Fight" level.
4. Stick To The Subject - If the whole fight is about your best friend saying something that hurt your feelings at the weekly playgroup, there is no reason to bring up the fact that she ruined your birthday 6 years ago with the karaoke routine on the table top. Especially if you had already resolved that karaoke issue. Bringing up past hurts only add fuel to the fire and is not going to solve anything. By bringing it up, you often are putting the other person immediately in the defensive mode and feeling like you never really forgave them. Stay on the topic that started the fight and resolve one issue at a time.
5. Listen & Acknowledge - Just because you don't think that you putting on the toilet paper upside down is a big deal, it may bother your spouse. When confronted with the tissue issue, don't say things like: "What's the big deal" or "Get over it". Listen to what the other person says and acknowledge it by asking "Why does this bother you?" or "How would you like me to do it" Chances are there is an easy solution here and a fight can be avoided all together.
6. Lose The Mind Reader Routine - Even if you have known your friend for 25 years and know what music they love, their favorite color and food they hate, don't assume you can read their mind or know their feelings. Feelings and thoughts change as often as the latest woman's fashion.
7. Walk In Their Shoes - By trying to see things the way that your spouse sees them, you are validating and acknowledging their viewpoint. Different past experiences and life choices cause each person to feel differently and react differently to a situation. You don't have to agree with them, but do acknowledge they have the right to feel differently than you do.
8. Solve & Forgive As A Team - Discuss together ways to solve this problem and ways to prevent it in the future. If that little cutting comment that your friend made in playgroup hurt your feelings. Agree together that you will not hurt each other in front of other people, if there is a problem you will solve it together when nobody else is around. Last step, forgive. Whether forgiveness is asked for or not, forgive the person that you love and know that it is an important step in healing. If someone asks you for forgiveness, don't try to judge their sincerity or motives, give forgiveness unconditionally.
9. If all else fails...get out the tweezers and the Sharpie. (I kid...I kid!)