Guest Post: Looking At Your Marriage

Taking a Look at Your Marriage: Time for a Close-Up

Marriage may seem like a fairly simple concept, but as everyone knows, people and the relationships they have are complex. There's an infinite number of factors that can change instantaneously, transforming the dynamics of marriage in many cases. To avoid downgrading your relationship when you've got a good thing going, you can proactively protect your marriage by making a consistent effort to keep your foundation strong. There are several characteristics of a strong marriage that pertain to every married couple, no matter how different they are as individuals. The following are some of those characteristics, so you might consider evaluating their presence in your marriage, finding out what you're doing right and what could use some extra attention. By doing this, you can become an even stronger couple and prevent life from manipulating your marriage.

Snapshot of a Strong Marriage

Friendship: This goes beyond the romantic connection. It's the foundation of your marriage and needs to be actively cultivated. Friendship is a continuous process of learning about and appreciating the other person in the relationship and means, fundamentally, that you consistently enjoy each other's company. By keeping your friendship strong, you'll be able to maintain your expertise on when your partner's feelings are hurt, what to do about it, how to apologize, and how to control the conflict that's inevitable in every friendship and marriage.

Kindness, Respect, and Nurturing Attitudes: Remember that your courtship should never be over. Keep trying to win your partner's affections, and you'll be able to keep them for the duration of your marriage. By doing this, you weave an emotional safety net that can protect your marriage even when you're experiencing conflict. Maintain respect so that neither of you feels insecure about discussing personal and marital issues with the other. It's also helpful to keep thinking about what you admire about each other, then make sure you talk about it to keep yourselves invested in one another.

Individual Initiative and Participation: You can't and shouldn't control the actions of your partner, but you can control your own reactions and responses. Make sure you pay attention to yourself and your role in the marriage rather than focusing on the two of you as a single entity. Remember to stay motivated and take care of yourself both inside and out. When your partner sees that you place significant value on yourself, he or she is likely to follow suit.

Acknowledgement and Healthy Resolution of Conflict: If you're having an issue or problem, don't cover it up. Choose the right moment and talk about it with your spouse. This will prevent small issues from being swept under the rug and growing over time into seemingly insurmountable problems. Either solve your problems immediately or work together to develop a strategy for dealing with them.

Mutual Maintenance of the Marriage Commitment: Believe in your marriage. If you're both sure of your commitment, you'll be more likely to maintain it by creating a sense of stability and permanence.

Shared Purpose: Be constantly aware of where you're headed as a couple, what your dreams are, what kinds of values you want to develop, and how you want your relationship to evolve. Talk about your hopes and create action plans to help you both achieve your goals, enabling yourselves as individuals and as a couple.

Exploring Marital Advice

If you're curious about evaluating your marriage further and finding out about more professional tips and strategies for maintaining a strong relationship, you might consider visiting the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center page. There's a helpful three-part series of tip sheets on couples' communication, as well as a variety of advice on everything from romancing your partner on a budget to teaching your kids about healthy marriage. Enjoy taking advantage of these great resources to help you keep your marriage strong and happy.

About the author: Heather Green – a freelance writer, mother, and the resident blogger for An Apple a Day… blog, a free informational website offering tips and advice on Online Nursing Education.

Real Conversations With A Brick Wall

We have all had those moments when we feel like we are talking to a brick wall (and wanting to beat our heads into one) and nothing we are saying is being heard.

I recently had the opportunity to interview Mr. Brick Wall and talk about some of the conversations he has participated in.


Here are the top 10 conversations with Mr. Brick Wall.

1. Would you turn that TV off and pick up your toys, socks, etc. up off the floor.
2. But green beans are good for you.
3. No honey, I don't think a 87 inch TV will benefit the household.
4. Please don't throw a fit in the middle of the store because you are tired or want a cookie.
5. Quit touching, kicking, biting, spitting, etc. on your sibling.
6. Does this dress make my butt look big?
7. I don't care if everyone else has a Mohawk, tattoo and nose piercing. You are in Kindergarten.
8. Try telling me at least a week before you needs a project finished for school next time.
9. But you said if I let you have a dog that YOU would feed, water, walk and clean up after it.
10. Give me 5 minutes alone to go to the bathroom, make a phone call, etc.

What conversations would your brick wall tell you about?

Let's Talk About Men

They say "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus". Well, if that is the case then Martians must carry around a Super Duper Photon Blaster 3000 for all their problems.

Example: The Head Crayon was doing yard work today and our old weed eater would just not stay started. This is an ongoing issue with this piece of equipment. As a side note, I must add that he was also doing some target practice off and on today. The reason this is significant is that when he had enough of the weedeaters troublesome ways, he blasted it. Seriously...he shot the thing out of its misery. Three perfectly placed holes in the engine compartment thingie.

I was at the stove cooking (like a good little wifey) and he came in the backdoor. I saw him carrying the gun and he simply said, "I have to go buy a new weedeater." Knowing him like I do, I knew what he had done. Considering the weedeater's demise, I did not stop working to go confirm it. As soon as dinner was done, I found the poor weedeater laying in the yard where it apparently had been thrown and shot. Poor weedeater.

I started thinking about his solution to the problem and it made me realize the difference in the way a man and a woman handle a problem.

A woman would have:

• taken it apart to see what really made it tick
• call 5 friends and see if they had the problem and what did they do about it
• call a repair man and get an estimate
• go shopping for a new weedeater and some shoes
  
• proudly bring the new weedeater home and call those 5 friends to tell them of her great success
• get together with those 5 friends for a cookie dough and Beaches kind of night

A man would have:

• determined it didn't work
• move on

See the differences here? How can we possibly expect a man to face a problem the same way that we do? Is it really fair to assume that our way is best?

Men and women are wired so differently, yet when conflict comes up; each party wants the other to handle it the way that they do. We want our men to sit and talk about the problem, eat cookie dough and watch a good tear-jerker movie. Men want to fix it once and for all. When they won't share our cookie dough spoon, we get our feelings hurt and feel as if our perception of the problem is just not important and our solution to the problem is not validated. Men think we are just nagging them when we feel the need to talk about it, because they just want it fixed and over.

Although men and women were made for each other and can function beautifully to complete a relationship; it's important to remember that its our differences that is what makes it complete. Each sex brings something to the table that is important for the healthy survival of the relationship. Also remember that not one person's offering is more important than the other. Embrace your differences and strengths. Consider each others weaknesses and lift them up. Just as the woman has the strengths to be a nurturer and teacher to the family; the man's "Get 'er done" attitude is what often times can propel the family through a moment of crisis and towards healing.

Do you encourage your husband to excel in his emotional leadership role? Does he encourage you to embrace the tender spirit you were given?

Fighting Fair In Marriage & Adult Relationships

We have all been there, an argument with our spouse or someone we care about. If you haven't ever had an argument with someone (or think you haven't) you may have other issues...Fighting is never fun, but it is sometimes a necessary part of any relationship and can be useful to resolve a conflict and deepen the relationship. The key to fighting is to do it with fairness. Here are some tips to help you resolve the conflict. (These are not to be used with the sinister person in the alley...in that case; grab your mace and run like the wind!)

1. Wait until they are asleep and pluck out all their eyebrows or write the word "Jerk" in Sharpie on their forehead...ok not really, but sometimes the thought of that makes us feel better, right?
2. Go To Time Out - When tempers are high, this is the time that saying things that we don't mean just spill right out. While in anger mode; it may seem like a good idea to bring up that present you never liked or someone's love handles but it is just a defense mechanism in response to feeling "attacked" Take yourself to time-out until the anger reaction subsides. On the same note, don't wait too long to address the issues. "Time heals all wounds" is not the operative phrase here. Often time causes the anger to just continue to burn and flare up.
3. Say Exactly What Is Making You Angry - If The Man doesn't take out the trash when you ask or Mom never tells you she appreciates the casserole that you bring to every dinner when you have worked your heart out. Tell them that. They may have no idea that those actions upset you. In fact, it could be just a misunderstanding and easily resolved without going to the "Fight" level.
4. Stick To The Subject - If the whole fight is about your best friend saying something that hurt your feelings at the weekly playgroup, there is no reason to bring up the fact that she ruined your birthday 6 years ago with the karaoke routine on the table top. Especially if you had already resolved that karaoke issue. Bringing up past hurts only add fuel to the fire and is not going to solve anything. By bringing it up, you often are putting the other person immediately in the defensive mode and feeling like you never really forgave them. Stay on the topic that started the fight and resolve one issue at a time.
5. Listen & Acknowledge - Just because you don't think that you putting on the toilet paper upside down is a big deal, it may bother your spouse. When confronted with the tissue issue, don't say things like: "What's the big deal" or "Get over it". Listen to what the other person says and acknowledge it by asking "Why does this bother you?" or "How would you like me to do it" Chances are there is an easy solution here and a fight can be avoided all together.
6. Lose The Mind Reader Routine - Even if you have known your friend for 25 years and know what music they love, their favorite color and food they hate, don't assume you can read their mind or know their feelings. Feelings and thoughts change as often as the latest woman's fashion.
7. Walk In Their Shoes - By trying to see things the way that your spouse sees them, you are validating and acknowledging their viewpoint. Different past experiences and life choices cause each person to feel differently and react differently to a situation. You don't have to agree with them, but do acknowledge they have the right to feel differently than you do.
8. Solve & Forgive As A Team - Discuss together ways to solve this problem and ways to prevent it in the future. If that little cutting comment that your friend made in playgroup hurt your feelings. Agree together that you will not hurt each other in front of other people, if there is a problem you will solve it together when nobody else is around. Last step, forgive. Whether forgiveness is asked for or not, forgive the person that you love and know that it is an important step in healing. If someone asks you for forgiveness, don't try to judge their sincerity or motives, give forgiveness unconditionally.
9. If all else fails...get out the tweezers and the Sharpie. (I kid...I kid!)