On Star

Recently I had heard a radio ad for On Star. They were talking about how the On Star system can not only be used to report traffic accidents, unlock your doors, locate your car; but now can be used to "diminish power" in case your car is stolen.

I have one question for On Star....

Can I get one of those for my kids? I mean, seriously...how cool would it be to have On Star helping you through the day as a mom?

• Traffic accidents - Scribbler #1 & #2 get into a collision of fists. On Star would be able to notify me and tell me who was at fault by determining the first point of impact.
• Unlock your doors - I could contact On Star to open the child's mouth when it is time to take medicine or open the "emissions" system on cue to assist with potty training.
• Locate your car - While shopping in an overly crowded clothing store, On Star would be able to tell me that Scribbler #1 is hiding inside the carousel of flowery print shirts.
• Diminish Power - Oh My Goodness, this would be the selling point for me. When the Scribblers are bouncing off the walls like popcorn popping, running full tilt through the kitchen, screeching at the top of their lungs and throwing things at the back of my head...I could pick up the phone and contact On Star and ask them to diminish power. The Scribblers upon activation would slowly come to a halt and the sound level would begin to decrease.

Dear On Star,
Would you please get your design department on this immediately?