Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Just Once

Just once I would like to introduce my child and give no disclaimer.

Just once I would to like to have a conversation with my child.

Just once I would like to look at other children and not compare.

Just once I would like to not have to play the interpreter.

Just once I wish I had the grace to be the mom she deserves all the time.

It has taken me almost 5 years to accept the fact that I have a special needs child. It wasn't because I thought I was too good to have a special needs child; it was simply because I thought she was too perfect to be a special needs child.

By the end of the day my heart hurts.


By the end of a lesson my heart hurts.


By the end of a play date my heart hurts.

Sometimes when my heart hurts I am not a great mom. The frustration and sadness overwhelm and my reactions are knee jerk. My responses are impatient and my tone is bitter.

I know better and I do it anyways.

The power a mother has over her children is a crushing weight; the demand to always meet needs and mold character. Some days I am less than impressed with the way my children saw me. How I failed to meet expectations and hurt feelings. I have to remind myself that fighting a battle isn't easy and sometimes I am weary. In that moment, I have to accept that I have a special needs child and that is a separate battle.

Just once I would like to understand everything my child tells me.

Just once I would like to have a moment of clear communication.

Just once I would like a clear diagnosis so I can understand our enemy.

It has to be something more than just a lack of communication. It has to be some form of something bigger.

Can this speech delay really be all it is? Is that what causes the emotional problems?

It has to be something bigger.

Just once I would like to understand.

11 comments:

Hazel Nut said...

You are a great mom and your children know it! Never forget that (((big hugs for you)))

Figments of a Mom said...

You are not alone - we are all doing the best we can :)

Kristen said...

well spoken

Sandy said...

I understand this post! My oldest has Sensory Integration Processing Disorder (vestibular). He's getting better, and coping well, but that disclaimer...its a bugger. I hate the cocked heads when people look at him. His heart is so full- their remarks just shatter his spirit.

Mama M. said...

Aw, hon. I'm sorry. You are a good mama...your love and patience is what she needs!

For the record...I think, sometimes, when you are used to playing interpreter, it comes too quickly. When we chatted via Skype, I was able to understand Buzz most of the time, even before you "interpreted" for her! Hang in there...I imagine that it won't be too long, and you'll be wondering where your interpreter job went!

Love ya. (((((YOU)))))

Chris said...

Oh, how I empathize. But she has SO many special qualities that makes her not only special needs but umique in a wonderful way! And just think how much God uses children to teach us as parents about life and about Himself!
Love you so much, and you are a great mom!! Mom

K Pugliano said...

Frustrations happen no matter what household one lives in...but to try to understand that frustration without going crazy is when patience shows its true self and settles in for the ride.

You are a wonderful mom. And you are wonderfully patient.

Ofthesea said...

I missed reading from you. You are fabulous and you are loved by many.

I add my voice to the choir that says "you are a wonderful mom", because you are.

Hugs!

Amy said...

So well written! Beautiful & heart wrenching. You're a great mother to your children. I wish everyone who has a special needs child could read this.

Erin said...

oh how I wish I couldnt sympathize but I do. you do a great job. keep advocating and focus on the positive. I look up to you and your positive attitude about life especially on days when jahnna is manic, colby is spastic and riley just wants some attention. seriously you have put a smile on my face during hard days more than i can count.

Melissa (Confessions of a Dr. Mom) said...

Oh, this is heartbreaking. You are no doubt an amazing mother trying to do what is best for your child. It's not easy. You are human. Your child knows you love her.

I'm so sorry for this struggle. The struggle you both are going through. I really pray you have your "once" moment and many more to come b/c you deserve it. These things we bear for our children...it does hurt and makes us stronger.

Sincere and big hugs to you. You are an amzaing mother!

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