Keeping With Tradition

There is nothing like Christmas looming to bring out the "T" word. When I typed in "Christmas Tradition" into Google images this was one of the first images that it spit back at me.

image courtesy of Google images

Thanks to that image, I now have tradition envy. The family is gathered in the living room (or is that called a parlor?) Everyone is neatly dressed and smiling. The ornaments are hung neatly and the presents wrapped perfectly. The children are behaving and the dog is sitting calmly. The grandparents are posed in the appearance of probably heightening the sense of Christmas excitement inside the room. The father is balancing a child on his shoulders and has probably just allowed the small tot to place the tree topper on. Everyone is the ideal picture of Christmas joy....and then you see the mother lurking a little in the background.

The mother seems to be turned a little away from the festivities that are going on in the room and I think I know just why. 

She spent at least 4 hours getting those kids cleaned, dressed to perfection and threatened within an inch of their lives if they didn't look happy for the family Christmas scene. Her mother-in-law that is sitting there doing some kind of needlework has been telling her that she prepared the turkey all wrong and it is going to be dry. She also keeps looking at the table beside her and "tsk tsking" the almost invisible layer of dust that was somehow overlooked. The dog is only sitting calmly because it just got done eating the ham that was laid to cool on the counter and its too full to romp around in doggy bliss. The ornaments are hung so perfect because she has rehung those ornaments 5,698 times in the past few weeks due to the baby playing with the tree. After that much ornament hanging practice, of course they are perfectly hung (for another 10 minutes) She has also finally remembered that she never got the stamps put on the Christmas cards. She was supposed to send those out to family and friends two weeks ago with those generic cards she ended up picking up at WalMart because the family portrait card she had hoped to send never got taken due to each child being sick in separate turns.  She is trying to be patient while small talk is made before dinner, but knows they are keeping a tight schedule if they are ever going to make it to the next grandparents house in time for a big Christmas dinner in 4 hours. She is also tensed up because she knows that due to the economy that "Santa" was unable to fulfill the children's wish lists and is anticipating the look of disappointment when the children realize that they didn't get a pony, tricycle or merry-go-round. She has heard this type of let-down is the cause of adult therapy when her children will get older and worries that the whole reason they will never be President of the United States is because they didn't get the gift they wanted for Christmas thus resulting in low self-esteem. She casting a sideways glance at her husband to see if he is still upset about the fit she threw earlier when he suggested that he was just going to wear his sweatpants and college football t-shirt to dinner. She may have over reacted but it was just because she has spent the past 3 months trying to make this Christmas perfect by herself and he could at least act like he was in the Holiday spirit by wearing the clothes she laid out that perfectly coordinated with her outfit and the kids clothes.

Ah...Christmas Tradition. Doesn't it just fill you with cheer? Are you more like the mother I described above? I don't know about you, but as that mother above...I am tired of "Keeping With Tradition" and I believe it is time for some new ones that don't involve elaborate dinners, Christmas card sending, etc.

It's time for my family to enjoy a good ole traditional hot dog dinner and they better like it!

Dear Cartoons - From An Annoyed Mother

I have been watching cartoons with my kids for almost 5 years. You would think that I would be able to easily tune them out...toon them out (ha!) Anyways, since I make it my mission to supervise all 'toon watching in this house, I have become very well acquainted with all the characters on a spread of several channels. Since I have gotten to know some of the cartoons, I have become annoyed at the characters, the lack of characters and their whole conflict/resolution writing.

Dear Dora,
You seem to be a pretty self reliant and smart girl, but what are you; like 8? Why on earth are you traipsing all over the place all by yourself? You get in hot air balloons, climb a tall mountain and go through the scary forest with no adult supervision. I saw you have a chit chat with the grumpy ole' troll; have you never heard of stranger danger? Do you think its OK to talk to people who live under bridges? Do you think it is normal to hear voices coming from inanimate objects? Also you may need an adult to pack your backpack. While a roll of sticky tape is fine; the pinwheel, pair of skies (in a hot climate) and a set of crochet balls is not going to get you far in your travelings. Lastly, that monkey; you shouldn't trust him so much because he is just a monkey. Has he even had any shots? Training? What's to stop that thing from ripping your face off the next time you make him climb up a tall mountain?

Dear Toot & Puddle,
Where are your parents and are they OK with you jetting off to Peru, Egypt, etc.?

Dear Angelina Ballerina,
Please cease talking and whining, your voice is just annoying!

Dear Diego,
Same thing as your cousin Dora...you need better supervision and stop playing with unpredictable and wild animals. Showing your best friend Baby Jaguar is all well and good, but quit portraying him as reliable and not a carnivore who would enjoy gnawing on your leg in the top of a tree.

Dear Dirt Girl,
Your face freaks me out. Seriously, my kids are not allowed to watch you because you give me nightmares.

 Image of DirtGirlWorld by Google Images

Little Bear,
I feel as though I have taken some heavy narcotics after watching you. The slow pace, trippy music and cat's voice just chill me way out. I think there is something subliminal going on there.

Handy Manny,
You remind me of my husband. He talks to his tools all the time too, but THEY DON'T TALK BACK!

FanBoy & Chum Chum,
Really?!? What's the point here?

Yo Gabba Gabba,
Somehow you have managed to create songs that are like crack for kids. I appreciate bringing Jack Black for an episode but if I hear one more "Tiny Yucky Germs" or "Rain is coming down" song, I am going to foot stomp your radio. You also need to keep a better eye on that red cyclops dude. I saw him recently in a commercial joy riding a stolen car with a sock monkey.

Wow Wow Wubzy,
Someone needs to give that rabbit a Super Mega Tylenol 3000, that short thing with the glasses needs more fiber and Wubzy possibly needs ADHD medication. Oh and that tail....it's kooky.

What about YOU? Any cartoons you want to sound off about before I subject my own mind to them?

A Mommy's Prayer

I do not wait to say my prayers when the day is done,

I need to get my plea to God before the day's begun.

For when I lay me down at night to sleep,

My sanity, I probably did not keep.

So, Our Father who art in heaven, please hear my prayer.

Help me find my keys and get the gum out of the baby's hair.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of scattered toys, I will be calm.

I'll answer all their questions without saying, "because I'm your mom"

When all three kids are screaming and crying that life's not fair,

Help me not totally blow it and pull out all my hair.

Give me patience as I scrub the crayon off the wall,

Please let them be quiet just once as I take another phone call.

Give me courage as we go to the grocery store,

And silence the mouth of the toddler who repeats the word I swore.

Give me stamina to last until I put them all to bed.

And help me remove the paint from the dog's head.

My God and my coffee will strengthen me today

Dear Lord, hear these words I pray.

Mommy Milestones Up To Two Years

Just as babies progress through developmental milestones, so do mommies. The following is a comprehensive list of the Standard Mommy Milestones through age 2.

2 weeks -

When a mommy has hit the Functioning Zombie milestone, she has achieved the ability to appear and function totally normal in a half awake/half asleep stage. The mommy can perform basic tasks but months from now she will have no memory of these tasks. This milestone is usually brought on by around 2 weeks of little to no sleep. The shuffling foot movements and drooling is usually a good sign that the milestone has been achieved.

4 months -

Mommy seems to be a bit more rested and at peace with being a mommy. The child the mommy is attending is now social but not mobile, giving mommy a break before the next round of chaos hits. Mommy is this milestone appears to be very happy and may even laughingly talk about another baby, since this "Mommy Business" is so easy.

8 months -

Mommy is probably back to the Zombie movements and has a pamphlet in her purse about birth control. Baby is now putting mommy through the mill with being both mobile and probably beginning to teeth around this time. Mommy is constantly "throat sweeping" the baby, putting cords up high, searching the carpet for pennies, applying Ora-Gel to baby, yanking on her waistband of the pants the baby keeps pulling down and feeling nauseated from the strained pea casserole that she tried before she was going to feed it to the baby.

1 year -

Mommy is past the Zombie movements, but is now caring for a walker/talker. Mommy may have developed an eye twitch and a jumpy nervous condition that comes from hearing "babababababa gagagagagagag" for at least 5 hours straight at any time. She has also perfected the baseball "sliding in the home" movement for catching a toddling child before it falls and pulls over the china cabinet. During this milestone, mommy is sharp and always on her toes. She is ready to move in a moments notice.

2 years -

Mommy can be identified by pulled out hair, gritted teeth and a look that says "I dare you to say anything" These are the moms who are accompanied to all retail areas by a tiny being that is screaming "NOOOOO" and rolling around on the floor. Moms in this milestone appear to have lost all sense of humor and sanity. During this milestone it is very important to never tell the Mommy that it will eventually get better. After a screaming fit about which shoes to wear, what shirt is OK and that they can't have chocolate and marshmallows on their PBJ sandwhich; mommy is not going to believe you that it will ever get better.

What milestones do you feel all moms go through during these years or the next years?

A Leopard In Plaid

We have all heard the saying that "a leopard can't change its spots" No matter how hard you try you can't change what makes you who you are. This is especially true in what makes us the mothers that we are. If you are reading this blog; I know you are reading others and we have all found those "mom bloggers" who have it all together, wonderful routines and perfect kids.

First let me say that I believe those to be works of an overactive imagination, good storytelling and the sign of a mother who has nothing together and whose kids are the ones that wipe boogers on the walls, dump over can displays in the store and scream through a whole 30 min trip in the grocery store.

You know...moms like us!

While it is wonderful to aspire to be a better mom and implement some of these wonderful tactics that we read about; we have to remember that the perfect mom only exists among unicorns, leprechauns and laundry detergent that removes all stains the first time.

Just as a leopard can't change its spots into plaid, neither can we change ourselves into being the perfect mom that has it all together. The leopard needs to embrace his spots because it is what makes him a leopard. Well technically his DNA makes him a leopard, but lets not get too technical, ok? Likewise, we need to embrace the kind of mothers that our personalities deem us to be.

Really laid back? So you are probably the mom who lets the dishes pile up, laundry grow into scary heaps and forgets to feed the goldfish. That's OK, you are fine just the way you are. Try to make a schedule to get these things done in a timely manner, but embrace the fact that you don't let the little stuff sweat you. What a great lesson you can teach your kids about learning to schedule things that need to be done, but enjoying the here and now.

Are you scary organized to the point your children shiver when you get out the label gun? You are perfect the way you are too. Try to schedule in some time for fun (you may need to label it as fun) but embrace the fact that you are teaching your children about order and the importance of a well laid out plan.

There are tons more of examples I could go into, but the premise of this post is that there are a ton of different moms out there and each one has something unique to offer to the field of parenting. Don't stress that you are not the perfect mom you are reading about. You are perfectly YOU and you have so much to give to your children just the way you are. Sit down and find your strengths and make a list of them. Next write down beside each strength what lessons you can teach your children through that. Also write down your weaknesses. Find ways that you can improve in those areas that will make you happy. Most importantly, don't do it for anyone but yourself.