Monday, March 28, 2011

Handling Instructions

Remember the movie Gremlins where a set of specific instructions are given that keep the cute and fuzzy Gremlin from going berserk, evil and homicidal?

We all have them. That little list of things that keeps us fluffy and friendly.

After a conversation with a friend this morning (who was not aware of every item on my list and became a victim of my gnarly side) I have decided to take this opportunity to share with you my "Handling Instructions".

  1. Do not engage me for at least 1 hour after I have woken up or until you see my first empty coffee cup. Whatever comes first. - I am a horrible morning person and I make little apology for it. One thing that will make my fangs show faster than anything is to expect me to perform in any way upon first opening my eyes. There are some things I will do, but its on my own terms and should not ever be expected. Suffice it to say that I could never be a Fireman or little Suzy's kitty cat would probably be shot out of the tree instead of safely delivered into her arms with a smile and a pat on her little grateful head.
  2. I live by the rule of balance - Regardless of what is said, I do not believe that any one person can be 100% kind, patient, creative, etc. all of the time. It's not good for you. Sometimes the fur has to fly and you must raise the pirate flag as you rip out an evil cackle through your adventure. There are days that I have had to be extremely patient with my children, caring with a client, etc. and I must balance this out by a little snark here and there or by throwing a water balloon at my kids, loosening the salt shaker lid at the dinner table or prank answering a telemarketer by allowing them to believe that I'm an opera singer in practice or I am hiding in the closet from evil pirates...AURGH.
  3. Save your compliments for your Grandma's biscuits - I don't do compliments. It's not that I don't think I deserve them...I do (see...I am humble too) When I have done something for someone, I would rather you pass it on then go on & on about what I did, how it affected you, how it could affect the jet stream in Africa and knock a bee off course...I don't care after I have done it. I just did it for you. Let's move on..the last time I needed my butt powdered was 34 years ago. If you like my hair...thank Clariol (it's their work, not mine) If you like my clothes...thank (insert label here) I didn't stitch them, I just display them. If you like the way my kids behave...thank God, because I can't seem to do it right.
  4. Don't surprise me. Ever. - I have a tremendous range of emotion, but for some reason the "Surprise" emotion got looked over upon installation. My children haven't seemed to gotten this concept yet. Everyday I get a new surprise. "Look Mom...the baby CAN fit in the toilet" "Look Mom...I can do makeup on me and my sisters with a Sharpie" "Look don't look at all the flour and broken eggs on the floor...I made you breakfast (which clearly violates rule #1 anyways)
Those are some basic handling instructions to keep me cute and fluffy.

What are some of yours?


Brandon Duncan said...

As I am one of many unsuspecting victims of said 'handling instructions,' I feel the need to inject my own...(It's justified. You asked for them.)

1- DO NOT give me handling instructions, as my Stripe side immediately takes over from my Gizmo side, and I process ALL given instructions in the exact opposite manner as prescribed. (And will giggle like a school girl during the enaction phase.)

2- See instruction #1

Just sayin. :)

Katsidhe said...

Rules for handling Kat:

Don't touch her Tequila. Ever. Any attempts to take her bottle of Tequila will be met with having the offender's finger bitten off and used to stir her Margarita.


So Who Is The Crayon Wrangler? said...

Rule not enclosed above, but understood universally:

"Boys are dumb and must not be listened to"


Sandi Amorim said...

Gotta admit, I'm a bit like Brandon on this. When given direct instructions I'm most likely to do the opposite. I can't help it, I'm an Aries ;-)

So Who Is The Crayon Wrangler? said...

OMGosh Kat...I just had a laugh/cough fit due to that one...stirred with fingers? Glad I know that now!

So Who Is The Crayon Wrangler? said...


Shame on you. Doom on you. I expected better than this from you. After all...we have canollis and I would hate to have to throw one at you.

Jen @ keepitsimplefoods said...

Wow, we have a lot of handling instructions in common. I def can't stand being bothered in the morning (i'll snap like a spring loaded trap), I'll pass on the surprises, I also hate when people tell me what they think I want to hear rather than being honest. Arg!

Anonymous said...

I have one to add. If I have just cleaned the kitchen and am in the process of wiping down the counters (the last step), DO NOT DARE put a dirty dish in the sink. Clean it immediately... or else. ;)

Jessica said...

We have quite a few of the same although I am fine in the morning but do not try to talk to me when I am remotely dozing off to sleep and do not screw up the laundry that I am folding. It is insanely hard to get any housework done in my house so when I have actually finished something? Don't mess with it.

CM said...

CM's Handling Instructions:

1. Don't drink the last of my Caramel Macchiato creamer.

2. Better yet, don't drink my creamer at all!

That is all. ;-)

The Animated Woman. said...

This is fun!
My handling instructions...hmmm. I dunno. Just make me laugh and I'll be your new best friend.


The Animated Woman. said...

You better put a "tweet this" button on this here blog or I'm gonna go all gremlin on you Crayon Lady.

Kim said...

I don't want you hugging me without a warning.

I joined your site!

Dumb Mom said...

The coffe one for sure and if you're my kid the toy booby traps. Leave one of those on my kitchen floor or in my bedroom in the path from bed to bathroom and it's going down. No warning, no consult, just dumping that car, truck, train, blood-drawing-Lego or whatever into the nearest trash can. They won't even know what happened, it just comes up missing one day and then they have to wonder if it was lost in the yard or done in by the wrath of mom. Either it's gone.

DaisyGal said...

LOL, well I was going to compliment this , but I think not. It's good...funny. YEA.

I have a lot of "stuff" but I am a morning person, I love compliments and hugging is one thing I am known for. Are we still friends???? ;)

Sandi Amorim said...

PLEASE...throw a cannoli at me!!!

Queen Mahin said...

Handling instructions: Love it! I'm gonna have to come up with some of my own. Might have to keep my instructions secret, though, because my Special Compatriot is like Brandon above and wants to do the exact thing that I just told him is going to annoy the heck out of me.
I like your univeral rule addendum.


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