Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Piercing Life's Grain

It's too early for a diagnosis officially for our Bitsy, but we know. 

We've been here before with Buzz, but this time we aren't afraid or ashamed. 

We've learned that these two precious girls do not flow with the grain of what is "normal;" they dig in and make a mark. Piercing deep and experiencing life, leaving a few splinters that wound the heart of their parents. 

Wounds of wishing others saw their unique view of life. 

Wounds of desiring life to be a little kinder to them.

Sitting last night beside Bitsy's bed while she flapped her hands, rocking back and forth into the wall, I wept. Not out of pity for her, nor the need to change her. I wept because I understood that I will never understand. I will make accommodations for her when the lights are too bright, when noises are too loud, when emotions are jumbled, when a certain texture frightens her and when her words can't be understood. 

Yet, I can't understand with the mind that I was given. I can't process life the way that they do.

All that I can do is mother and thankfully, that's all they need from me.

As they pierce deep into the grain of life, they teach me.

They better me.

They have pierced my heart in a way that I would never want repaired. A nail of difference.


Jack said...

Sometimes I think that they see the world more perfectly than we do. Sometimes I think that the difference in sensitivity is because they have something that we don't.

It is not a bad thing, just different. I wonder about what it might be like to see the world through those eyes.

princessr9 said...

I work with children on the Autism Spectrum, they teach me something new every day. I love my job.

You and your kiddos are incredibly lucky to have each other.

Sandi Amorim said...

Some days you touch my heart in ways so unexpected the tears sneak up on me.

Shell said...

My youngest is asking me if I'm okay, b/c I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face. You expressed so perfectly how I feel.

Leighann said...

I often think children on the spectrum see things better, clearer.
They feel with their whole bodies, they live with their whole hearts.
They have an intuition so deap.
How lucky your children are to have a mother like you

Jolene said...

Unexpected and well said. You make my heart sing.

heather said...

This is such a beautiful post. Your heart piercing words are good for any parent, any person, to read. Thank you.

sara said...

What a beautiful post! Found it through twitter and so glad that I did.

CM said...

God picked you to be their mom because He knew, he just knew your heart and your love would be there for them, no matter what. {{hugs}}

BTW, this is so lovingly written in so few words. You are amazing the way you can convey your feelings in long or short prose.

Jessica said...

Chills and tears, I feel this way exactly. We are blessed to have these children that we have to teach us so much, aren't we? How lucky she is to have you too.

Elena said...

There is nothing I can say that hasn't been said already in the comments above. How blessed your children are to have you and vice versa. Your words are always so beautiful - "All that I can do is mother and thankfully, that's all they need from me." That's so very true and what a phenomenal mother you are. Hugs to you and your beautiful girls.

DaisyGal said...

touched my heart, pierced the deep part of me.

these lines:
All that I can do is mother and thankfully, that's all they need from me.

As they pierce deep into the grain of life, they teach me.

WOW. I can only hope that we all mother like that, that we are given the gift of understanding from the children we bore.

thank you, once again, for letting us view your world and touching our souls.

Erin said...

You are an amazing mother and express everything I feel most days. Our paths are different but a lot of the emotions are the same. I wish with every fiber in my being that I could give Colby back his abilities but I have learned so much and he has stretched my heart beyond anything I could ever have imagined. Stay strong mama you are amazing!

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Hi A,
I didn't want to lurk...your words bring tears to my eyes.
I admire you more and more everyday.

Mama M. said...

Hugs. They are lucky to have you as their mama...and you are blessed to have them as your own.


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