Have you ever heard the saying "It's X O'clock, do you know where your kids are?"Well at 1am, I knew where Belly was. She was in the bathtub getting "The Hose". Have you seen in the movies where the new prisoners get sprayed with a high pressure hose to "clean" them? Yup..that was her. No, it's not some kind of prank or hazing ritual we have around here. (That would be whipped cream in the hand while asleep.) This is what we do to children who decide to make artistic masterpieces all over the room and themselves with their own poop. *shudder gag*
I had pretty much just fallen asleep at working my tail off at getting the house ready to show. That's right...we have a looker at the house. I heard a whimper over the monitor. I stumbled to her room thinking she must want a kiss or maybe a little juice. I opened the door and it was a Twilight Zone moment. There was less than 10% of her body that was still pink and there was a couple of Picasso's all over the walls, something that looked like she was solving a massive math equation on another wall and evidence that her nasty hands had decided to play at her desk, climb the dresser, turn on the tv and play with every stuffed animal she owned.
Everyone say it with me...."EEEWWWWW!"
I grabbed the only thing clean on her which I think was 8 strands of hair on her head and dragged her off to the showers. We have one of those handy removable shower heads, so I turned it on high pressure and had her pinned in the corner of the tub. I don't know what that kid had eaten but it was stuck, like lava soap and a heavy bristle brush may be needed, kind of stuck. Once it was scrubbed off and the last few layers of skin still remained, she was put on the couch while I tackled the room. Once again...stuck. Do you remember that we had just finished painting and putting down new carpet a few months ago? Umm yeah...I could have beat that child to where she was never going to be able to sit down to potty train.
I took evidence pictures for her permanent record but due to their graphic nature, I will not show them on here. (Although one lucky reader was nice enough to have a conversation with me until 2am and got to see them sent text message style) Don't try to make me feel better by saying "All kids do it"...I am aware. I dealt with this with Buzz and I am sure Bitsy will do it as well. It's no consolation when you are cleaning fecal stalagmites off furniture at 2am. No consolation at all.
Remember yesterday's post concerning the uses of Lysol? Yeah, I thought about that. A lot. If there was ever a time to use Lysol for personal cleaning, this was it.